Saturday, November 24, 2012
I have had a really great time off. The place where I work has been having a low census and I got called off several days that I was scheduled to work. I have saved up "paid time off" and was able to use that so my pay will be less but I will get a check.
We had a family gathering- I thought a good time was had by all until I was pulled "secretly" into the kitchen and told how I was upsetting another family member. This really hit me broadside. I was informed of all the things that I was doing (or not doing) that was upsetting to this person. This happens frequently- I upset this person and them am told what I have done by someone else. Attempts to communicate with the offended party are met with tears or silence.
Then- the email. I get an email from the offended party stating what I have done wrong. I am accused of interrupting and not being interested enough in what that person was saying. The truly sad part was that I actually did ask questions about what was stated. I was ignored. I took it as the person did not hear me or had moved onto someone else's conversation.
I think about all the people that cannot be with their families this year, because of death, disease, military service. I think about all of those that know that this will most likely be their last holiday season with their families. I think about a friend who had what everyone thought was the "perfect marriage" sitting at home while her estranged spouse takes the children to the traditional family gathering the first time without her. I think about all the suffering in the world and hate that someone would actually think that I enjoy being ugly or mean to someone in my own family.
I have done a great deal of self work when it comes to having others make me feel bad about myself or feel guilty. I have found that a huge trigger for me overeating is because of emotions, allowing myself to feel bad about myself because of what someone else says or thinks about me. I had a very wise person tell me that it is not my business what other people think of me- that is up to the other person to decide, not me. I have come to an understanding that I can only control my own behavior and actions, and yes...my own feelings. I cannot be responsible for everyone else's feelings.
To make life easier for my family this Christmas I decided to not attend the family gathering. I believe that this will be the first year that I've not gone. I choose not to be upset; I will volunteer at the local animal shelter on that day- those animals don't care what I say (or don't say)!