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LMULLINS4LIFE
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Deeply Personal and Slightly Risky. But I Won't Hide Any Longer.

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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Well, I've stared at a blank blog box for days, even weeks now...longing to share all the lessons and growth experiences I've been going through...but couldn't decide if, when and how I should do so here.

After quite a bit of thought and consideration, I've decided it's time to put some words to this and put it into the digital abyss. Not necessarily for you...although it might indirectly help someone out there in a similar situation (that seems to happen a lot with my blogs)...but more for myself. I process things in my life via writing (in case you haven't figured that out yet).

This entire fitness journey that I've been on...this life that has completely changed who I am as a person...a big part of my sticking to it has been this blog. It's always great to get encouragement from you all...to hear an "atta girl" once in awhile and to feel some sort of responsibility for my actions (because people are "watching").

This...this is different. This is more a need for me to release things and process very complex issues...to state truths about myself and to figure out (as my therapist says) what is "authentic to me".

Before I share...there is only one request I make of you...if you know me on Facebook...please respect my wishes and do not comment about this over there. It's not that friends and family don't know and I'm not telling anyone. It's that my kids have not been given this information yet...if it goes on FB, I worry someone will mention it in front of them before I've had a chance to figure out how to explain things to them. Thanks in advance for your cooperation there.

If you read my blogs regularly, you have seen me reference many times the fact that my life has taken a turn for some difficult times recently. Many of you have messaged me and you have figured it out...but for the sake of clarity, I will just admit that my husband of almost 12 years and I are in the midst of a divorce. I will not go into specifics of why and you will find no angry rants on my soon-to-be ex on this blog. We have three beautiful children together and we will always be tied at the heart because of that. Even with the reality of separation in front of us, we have had some of our best talks ever these past couple of weeks...and we both agree that our friendship will weather all the changes that are to come for both of us. And we hope that this will help to ease the transition for our kids, at least a little bit.

What you will find here is my search to become the person that I truly am. My quest to understand what exactly is going on in my heart and how my fitness goals and career goals and parenting goals all come together and connect to bring meaning to my new life as a part-time single mom/part-time single gal.

Because of financial issues, I can't make any real moves for a few months...so I am faced with the very awkward situation of staying in the same house with my husband when we both realize that what we formerly had is over. As you can imagine, there is some tension with this...and a whole host of emotions to deal with.

I obviously can't explain everything in one blog. I'm sure things will play out over a series of them. I can tell you that I wasn't joking when I said my training is my escape. I have never put more of myself and more of my heart into my health as I have this past two weeks.

In some ways, I feel the more I push in my workouts, the more emotional release I feel when it's over. Swimming has been a safe haven, as I've mentioned it brings a feeling of tranquility and overall well-being in a time when I'm dealing with so many fears and unknowns, as well as intense feelings of failure.

Running and spinning and biking give me an outlet for any anger or conflicted emotions or frustration...these are disciplines where I can just push myself and really let it all out on the road/bike/treadmill...and then leave it there for a bit.

Weight training, although relatively new to my regimen, has quite literally been a metaphor for me...for how strong I currently am and how strong I am becoming...pushing through discomfort and getting that one last rep...it makes me stronger.

It has been 4 weeks since I officially announced my intention to go through with the divorce. It has been 3 weeks that I've adhered fiercely to this new phase of training.

My body has already been changing. I can feel it (everything is tighter...it feels smaller...I am stronger and more muscular) and I can see it (I can finally see a difference in the reflection in the mirror and on the scale). With this comes a brand new love for myself and a realization that I have what I need to achieve my fitness goals. I am becoming a new person.

Somehow, these simple physical changes have managed to seep into every area of my life...my career, my parenting, my relationships. It helps to remind me that I now have at least a small grasp on how my future plays out. And, finally....after so many dark years...I feel HOPE...that things could be different for me. That I could live true to myself...rather than living a facade.

A friend posted this on Facebook and it just seems so perfect right now...definitely brought tears to my eyes. It's something she found in a devotional on Psalm 23.

"It is in the valley where the most magnificent growth of your life will happen and it is there that the fruit of the Spirit will grow in lush abundance. May I just say it this way: In the valley where your heart was broken will be the place of your greatest harvest.

God wants our cups to run over not only when life is good and the view is spectacular; He wants our cups to run over in the valley of pain and in the desert of brokenness. God sets before you a table of blessing that will heal your broken heart and feed your hungry soul."

So, there you have it, friends. Now you know.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v BLUE42DOWN
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    I think it's a wonderful thing that you've had the fitness to turn to for release, to teach you strength, and even to give you the door to the new person you have become and continue to become.

    As long as you and your soon-to-be-ex regularly assure your children that you both love them, they should come through fine. (Mine did, and my EX and I didn't handle our marriage or divorce nearly so well. We still don't communicate well, but I made sure DS and DDa heard and felt the love toward them.)
    1371 days ago
  • v LIVEDAILY
    We grow when we push ourselves physically, mentally, and spiritually. It isn't always an easy thing to do. Thinking of you during your growth period.
    1371 days ago
  • v FIT4MEIN2013
    emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v SUEINTHEPARK
    What an amazing gift this chaos has given you: the motivation to embrace exercise and for it to steer you through all the changes ahead! As your home life evolves, so will you, in parallel, and I'm sure you will emerge stronger, happier and healthier in every way on the other side. You can do this!
    emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v SUZYMOBILE
    I can tell you, from personal experience, that there IS life after divorce. The valley may seem dark now, but the light will come. My Spark routines saved me in the last few years, when my 9-year-old divorce was finally coming to a bitter and frightening end, and today life couldn't be better. You ARE strong, and you'll get through this!
    1371 days ago
  • v ACTIVE_AT_60
    I am so sorry to read about your turmoil. Clearly, it looks like you are taking care of yourself as you are going through this. Make sure you process the grief and don't just project it on your workouts. A combination of both would be desirable. Splitting up is a grief process too - regardless of the reasons.
    1371 days ago
  • v MARATHONDAD
    even though it was probably the hardest decision you have ever made I think you know its the best decision and I know kids are involved but I think tis bets fror the kids to because living in a house with so much tension is not good for them either. good luck on the future and know u have tons of friends to lean on
    1371 days ago
  • v MARYBETH4884
    I am truly sorry for your situation. Congrats on continuing your journey of self improvement during this tumultuous time. It is truly amazing how the twenty third Psalm can comfort us at so many different times in our life. Hold on to that promise that God is right in the midst of your situation! You and your family will be in my prayers.
    1371 days ago
  • v NEWMOM20121
    emoticon

    1371 days ago
  • v NITELITE72
    emoticon to you...


    1371 days ago
  • v TINAJANE76
    I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I hope that you can stay strong and do what's best to take care of yourself and your family.
    emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v LAURIE5658
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    1371 days ago
  • v OHDJOY
    My hats off to you for sharing the events going on in your personal life right now and to be able to concentrate on your weight training. Personally and physically you are moving forward. Without going into details myself I too have decisions I have to make but actually don't even know where or how to start but with the help of my gym I can at least take out my frustrations on the cardio machines and pushing the weights a little bit further. Good luck and hang in there, you will be stronger in many ways. emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v MOMMY445
    prayers and hugs
    1371 days ago
  • v MIMIDOT
    You have the strength to get through this. God bless you and guide your every step.

    Good luck!
    1371 days ago
  • v MAGGIE805
    emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v WALLINMW
    Don't let this take the wind out of your sails.
    1371 days ago
  • v WALLINMW
    Hang in there~
    1371 days ago
  • v PENOWOK
    Leah, divorce is never an easy thing and there are victims... There are almost no words to say except that if that is truly best for you ...and only you and God know, then I pray everything goes smoothly and your children are able to manage the transition. I have been there. I know what it feels like...a burden is lifted, yet, at the same time, there is tremendous grief over what is lost. Allow the tears-they are good for you. Know that you are not alone.
    1371 days ago
  • v HOLLY255255
    Psalm 23 is a powerful message. I believe reading it everyday will help your through these painful months. I pray your children process the divorce in an equally strong/peaceful way!
    1371 days ago
  • v GARDENCHRIS
    life sucks at times, what won't kill you makes you a stronger person. I read somewhere that you plant down deep roots, so when the wind blows you bend in the wind but don't break, and that it makes the trees stronger because of the wind.

    Hang in there.... emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v DJSHIP46
    Let the healing contine... emoticon emoticon Wishing you all the best as you continue your journey!!!
    1371 days ago
  • v JIBBIE49
    emoticon Once again your blog is featured in the Spark mail, so that makes you are real emoticon What an inspiration you are to others. emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v JANEMARIE77
    best of luck to a new way of living
    1371 days ago
  • v KANDOLAKER
    Sending you a hug! You are amazing for sharing your personal story and why other aspects of your fitness and life has changed. I admire you!! Best wishes in your journey and know that you are not alone. Kathy
    1371 days ago
  • v HEYMOE012
    May you heal stronger in the broken places.
    1371 days ago
  • v BOBOBOBBI
    simply put, you are amazing! emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v MALEXANDER4
    emoticon emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v CICELY360
    another good blog
    1371 days ago
  • v GRUMBLEGIRL
    As you have proven to yourself over the past months with your training, your recovery and your racing, you are a really strong person. I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this difficult time. I'm sure though with your personal journey towards better health and fitness, and the lessons that you have learned such as making changes when things go off course but staying on track anyway, and the confidence that you have gained with each success that you will all come through this better and stronger in the end. Take care!
    1371 days ago
  • v RAFFERM
    Putting your kids first is just one of the wonderful decisions you have made. Sometimes it is easy to just do nothing--but you hae taken positive steps toward your future!
    1371 days ago
  • v HEARTS116
    Hang in there!
    emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v BESSHAILE
    I sort of figured this was the pain you were dealing with. I am so sorry. Know this. There is love after loss too.

    My heart goes out to you.
    1371 days ago
  • v ROUNDTOWNMOM
    Although my life's path certainly took me on a journey I never expected to go on, it was through admitting that my marriage to my children's father was not in anyone's best interests that helped me find "me". It was NOT the original intent, but it's the surprising outcome. My ex and I are friends, and we can be in the same room without "snarking" at each other. While we will never been *best* friends, it's possible to end one relationship to begin another. You are a strong lady and you have a lot of support here. It sounds like you and your husband reached this decision together...........and that your faith played a part in that decision. Keep hold of that when those around you are giving you the flak it sounds like you've been getting.

    emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v TRYINGHARD54
    You will get thru this. You are strong.. good luck..... emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v LUNA_81
    I got divorced a couple of years ago and it turned out very well. My ex and I are now best friends. We just couldn't live in the same house. We've often talked about being neighbors though. We like a lot of the same things and enjoy each others' company. Just not for too long.

    We help each other out with problems and do favors for each other. I cat-sit for him when he's away. I also stay the weekend sometimes and we watch movies and go for long walks in the woods. I'll be spending Christmas with him too. I also get along with the ex-in-laws and have been to visit them after the divorce as well.

    So, you see, it is possible to maintain a good relationship and perhaps an even better relationship when the pressure of living under the same roof is off and you can just be friends.

    Good luck! emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v COCK-ROBIN
    Very good. Thanks for sharing.
    1371 days ago
  • v SWEDE_SU
    hang in there, leah emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v JNFRDAWN
    You will get through this. You will not only get through this, you will transform from it. "Ruin is a gift. Ruin is a road to transformation." - Elizabeth Gilbert from Eat, Pray Love


    Jen
    1371 days ago
  • v DOTTIESPLACE
    Hang in there, Leah! You are smarter than you realize and stronger than you know. Keep your head up.

    Take care

    emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v REGILIEH
    I have to admit I had figured it out as if it had been anything else you would have already told it. I have much empathy for you as I have gone through a divorce and I wanted it but it has been the hardest thing I have ever done as besides you and your husband and children it will effect many more people, other relatives and friends. Of course the biggest will be on your children. Fortunately I only had a little girl, I can't even imagine how difficult it will be being a single mother with three. I owned my own company for 30 years and had over 500 employees with at least 85% being women, I have been through this with so many of them besides myself. I do not mean to be doom and gloom but what you talk about now and what actually happens with your ex after the new divorce wears off will probably be very different. Most men do not come through with what they say they will do. Without a doubt they change. I only tell you this so you will pay attention and not be naive. Even when you want the divorce and it is a load removed it is so very difficult! If you have joint custody and the children have to go back and for between homes it is so hard on them and they get so tired and they start feeling guilty because they don't want to go back and forth. Your exercise program will be your saving grace. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this. Take care. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v GOING-STRONG
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  • v PATTOMMC3
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    1371 days ago
  • v HAWAII5YEARS
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    1371 days ago
  • v DATMAMA4
    So, so sorry to hear about the turmoil in your life right now. I am proud of you for not going on a husband rant -- many people don't think about how it damages the other person (you never know who might know them through work, church, wherever) by airing private information. Though I only "know" you through SP, my heart breaks for both of you and I don't need to know details in order to pray.

    It's good to hear that you and your husband are still friendly and are having some good talks. God can heal any marriage with any type of problem, and I pray He'll heal yours. If it's not meant to be, then He will guide you both through it and will make you stronger as you rely on Him. The joy of the Lord is your strength, even on those days that aren't very joy-inspiring.

    Thank you for being so open with us here. What a testimony to the SP community that we can all be vulnerable here, knowing that our shared experiences will help those who are hurting.

    Hugs to you.
    1371 days ago
  • v DAWNESS0404
    My first marriage ended in divorce. Even when it is the best decision it is still hard especially when you have kids. emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v KIPPER15
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    1371 days ago
  • v DALID414
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    1371 days ago
  • v MSTWOMOONS002
    Hi Leah;
    Your in my thoughts & prayers, You are strong, kind & you can ge through this dark valley I know You can, with Gods' help you will make it through this to make it to your true divine self.

    Many Blessings Debby emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v GUITARWOMAN
    My thoughts and best wishes are with you.
    1371 days ago
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