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LMULLINS4LIFE
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Deeply Personal and Slightly Risky. But I Won't Hide Any Longer.

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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Well, I've stared at a blank blog box for days, even weeks now...longing to share all the lessons and growth experiences I've been going through...but couldn't decide if, when and how I should do so here.

After quite a bit of thought and consideration, I've decided it's time to put some words to this and put it into the digital abyss. Not necessarily for you...although it might indirectly help someone out there in a similar situation (that seems to happen a lot with my blogs)...but more for myself. I process things in my life via writing (in case you haven't figured that out yet).

This entire fitness journey that I've been on...this life that has completely changed who I am as a person...a big part of my sticking to it has been this blog. It's always great to get encouragement from you all...to hear an "atta girl" once in awhile and to feel some sort of responsibility for my actions (because people are "watching").

This...this is different. This is more a need for me to release things and process very complex issues...to state truths about myself and to figure out (as my therapist says) what is "authentic to me".

Before I share...there is only one request I make of you...if you know me on Facebook...please respect my wishes and do not comment about this over there. It's not that friends and family don't know and I'm not telling anyone. It's that my kids have not been given this information yet...if it goes on FB, I worry someone will mention it in front of them before I've had a chance to figure out how to explain things to them. Thanks in advance for your cooperation there.

If you read my blogs regularly, you have seen me reference many times the fact that my life has taken a turn for some difficult times recently. Many of you have messaged me and you have figured it out...but for the sake of clarity, I will just admit that my husband of almost 12 years and I are in the midst of a divorce. I will not go into specifics of why and you will find no angry rants on my soon-to-be ex on this blog. We have three beautiful children together and we will always be tied at the heart because of that. Even with the reality of separation in front of us, we have had some of our best talks ever these past couple of weeks...and we both agree that our friendship will weather all the changes that are to come for both of us. And we hope that this will help to ease the transition for our kids, at least a little bit.

What you will find here is my search to become the person that I truly am. My quest to understand what exactly is going on in my heart and how my fitness goals and career goals and parenting goals all come together and connect to bring meaning to my new life as a part-time single mom/part-time single gal.

Because of financial issues, I can't make any real moves for a few months...so I am faced with the very awkward situation of staying in the same house with my husband when we both realize that what we formerly had is over. As you can imagine, there is some tension with this...and a whole host of emotions to deal with.

I obviously can't explain everything in one blog. I'm sure things will play out over a series of them. I can tell you that I wasn't joking when I said my training is my escape. I have never put more of myself and more of my heart into my health as I have this past two weeks.

In some ways, I feel the more I push in my workouts, the more emotional release I feel when it's over. Swimming has been a safe haven, as I've mentioned it brings a feeling of tranquility and overall well-being in a time when I'm dealing with so many fears and unknowns, as well as intense feelings of failure.

Running and spinning and biking give me an outlet for any anger or conflicted emotions or frustration...these are disciplines where I can just push myself and really let it all out on the road/bike/treadmill...and then leave it there for a bit.

Weight training, although relatively new to my regimen, has quite literally been a metaphor for me...for how strong I currently am and how strong I am becoming...pushing through discomfort and getting that one last rep...it makes me stronger.

It has been 4 weeks since I officially announced my intention to go through with the divorce. It has been 3 weeks that I've adhered fiercely to this new phase of training.

My body has already been changing. I can feel it (everything is tighter...it feels smaller...I am stronger and more muscular) and I can see it (I can finally see a difference in the reflection in the mirror and on the scale). With this comes a brand new love for myself and a realization that I have what I need to achieve my fitness goals. I am becoming a new person.

Somehow, these simple physical changes have managed to seep into every area of my life...my career, my parenting, my relationships. It helps to remind me that I now have at least a small grasp on how my future plays out. And, finally....after so many dark years...I feel HOPE...that things could be different for me. That I could live true to myself...rather than living a facade.

A friend posted this on Facebook and it just seems so perfect right now...definitely brought tears to my eyes. It's something she found in a devotional on Psalm 23.

"It is in the valley where the most magnificent growth of your life will happen and it is there that the fruit of the Spirit will grow in lush abundance. May I just say it this way: In the valley where your heart was broken will be the place of your greatest harvest.

God wants our cups to run over not only when life is good and the view is spectacular; He wants our cups to run over in the valley of pain and in the desert of brokenness. God sets before you a table of blessing that will heal your broken heart and feed your hungry soul."

So, there you have it, friends. Now you know.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v THE-MORE-GIRL
    I'm sorry for your difficulties. Congratulations for using them as a chance for self-love.
    1369 days ago
  • v MZZCHIEF
    Best to you girl!
    Divorce is like surgery, its tricky separating you from him after you've grown together for so many years.

    And nothing beats a hug from your own muscles... good going on the gym... nice to be able to focus on your body, keeps your hear pumping but gives it a rest of a different kind.

    Be well...
    : )
    Mzzchief
    1369 days ago
  • v FIRECOM
    It has been said that catharsis is good for the soul. I admire you for your honesty and openness. I am not sure I could do the same. I have never been divorced but came close a couple of times over the years.

    God bless you.
    1369 days ago
  • v PEPPERSDREAM
    emoticon emoticon
    1369 days ago
  • v FARIS71
    I will pray for you and your family. Blessings!
    1369 days ago
  • v FATHINSN
    May you have more joy and happy moments in future! And I wish you good luck to get your goals :D
    1369 days ago
  • v COURTNEYANNEMT
    Thank you for sharing. Life is full of hard choices and your transformation is maybe what you need. I'm going to say something scarey, but you may want to hold off on the divorce, as your transformation may bring more clarity into your marriage. I'm just saying that the awkwardness of living together while going through this may be a blessing in disguise. I also know that once you make a decision one way or the other, it is somewhat of a relief. Take care, I admire your bravery for asking for and receiving help in this situation.
    1369 days ago
  • v IAMAGEMLOVER
    So sorry you are going through this. It is not easy. I went through it with one child and he was only 9 months old. Stay strong, you will get through this.
    1369 days ago
  • v MARYJEANSL
    Wishing you the very best through all your difficult times.
    1369 days ago
  • v PATRICIAANN46
    Facing change head on requires so much courage and strength. You are showing both by making this decision. I wish you the very best and send you many hugs.
    emoticon
    1369 days ago
  • v BEAUTY_WITHIN
    Lots of hugs for all of you! I'm sure this is tough /will be tough (in the case of the kids) for everyone.
    1369 days ago
  • v LOLATURTLE
    I'm sorry to hear you're going through this difficult time. I'm sending good thoughts for you and your kidlets. I wish you all well.
    1369 days ago
  • v LYNSEY723
    Thank you for sharing something so personal. I had a feeling that may have been what you were blogging about previously. My thoughts are with you and I know you will make it through this tough time and find the person you are meant to be.

    emoticon
    1370 days ago
  • v SMILEY3826
    sending lots of hugs your way! sorry to hear that you are going through this now.
    1370 days ago
  • v IRONBLOSSOM
    I was afraid this was the situation when I read your past blogs. I'm so sorry to hear this, but as you said beautifully, sometimes through the hardest things come the best things. I hope that is the case with you and you're able to get to a place of transcendental happiness.

    emoticon emoticon
    1370 days ago
  • v NEWCHINELO
    May God be with you.
    1370 days ago
  • v VCRUMP11
    Thank you. Still weathering my own relationship failure . . . and it's been 17 years. I'm remarried but somehow the first marriage (to my high school sweetheart) is still so hard to get past. I'm thinking about you (along with all your other Spark friends). We're (virtually) there for you and giving you hugs. I really appreciate your blogs. They are very inspirational.

    Thanks again!
    1370 days ago
  • v SERASARA
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1370 days ago
  • v GODIVADSG
    So glad you are being true to yourself. Isn't water the most relaxing? It is where God put us first.... in the womb, safe and secure. I am so thankful you are seeing what God see's in you. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon
    1370 days ago
  • v ANNE007
    emoticon

    I am sure it was very hard for you to put this out there. Speaking things 'aloud' to others is often what helps us to process. My thoughts are with you moving forward.
    1370 days ago
  • v ADELCASALE
    Cheering you on with support during your transition!
    1370 days ago
  • v NEWTINK
    You are doing great and I know you will continue to. We are stronger than our weakest moments emoticon
    1370 days ago
  • v BLUEJEAN99
    emoticon
    1370 days ago
  • v ROCKYCPA
    Good luck in your new life - take care of yourself.
    1370 days ago
  • v PROVERBS31JULIA
    Divorce sucks, been there done that, and I wouldn't wish it off on my enemy... you are blessed to have SparkPeople here for you in this time, as I did not have that kind of support system 20 years ago. I didn't even own a computer 20 years ago. I kinda suspected you were hinting at divorce between the lines - guess because of that been there done that aspect, but I didn't have the added wrinkle of having kids. In fact, that's one of the reasons why we had our divorce, was when the truth came out that ex had no intention of having kids. Oh well.

    It seems oddly encouraging to me where you mention that the ex and you have had "best talks ever" the past few weeks, and so a little part of me is hoping the rough patch can be healed as you do heal yourself with your training and your temporary "escapes" from all the madness around you. But obviously I don't know and don't need to know all the details and you have the ones you feel safest with to share with and so that's totally wonderful and I respect that space. We're just here in whatever capacity you need, as sane feedback, as insane comic relief, as ...as... ?? whatever! This is only a part of your sacred place, ya know??? And so if it to be, it will be. We're not the only ones who have ever gone through a divorce, as awful as it can be in the going through it part, like " the rapids " I guess, but there will be some growth and relief when it's over. It's just another process, another side-trip in your overall journey!!

    You are NOT alone!
    emoticon

    Julia
    1370 days ago
  • v PCASEY7
    Best of luck to you over the next few trying months!
    1370 days ago
  • v JAMER123
    What a beautiful blog. I know you are in a situation that can't be changed but the fact you are sharing and your estranged husband will still be your friend even with heartache. You are doing your children a world of good. God bless you and keep you in His arms. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1370 days ago
  • v JOANNHUNT
    emoticon you will get through this and be a better person for it. The tears will pass. emoticon emoticon
    1370 days ago
  • v JENNCABA
    emoticon You will make it through this difficult time emoticon
    1370 days ago
  • v LIBRARYBELL1
    Thinking about you during this time.
    1370 days ago
  • v REENIE131
    Prayers and strength for you as you face the changes ahead.
    1370 days ago
  • v VOLLEYGIRL77
    Sorry you have to go through this! Keep your head up.
    1370 days ago
  • v ONLYTEMPORARY
    emoticon
    1370 days ago
  • v CLAYARTIST
    emoticon emoticon
    1370 days ago
  • v SHOSHANADP
    This must be so difficult for you. I wish you much strength.
    1370 days ago
  • v BIRDLSLAURIE
    My husband died on October 12th upon our return from vacation to celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary. I can tell you that you do have a strength in you that will carry you through these difficult times. Lean on others when you need to and take care of yourself. Hugs.
    1370 days ago
  • v ALIDOSHA
    Wish you all the strength and the love of your kids you now need so much. emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v PURPLE180
    emoticon and prayers. You are a very strong woman. Blessings to you and your family.
    1371 days ago
  • v MNNICE
    As a door is closed, a window opens. I loved the devotional.
    1371 days ago
  • v TDWANDD2MYK9
    ((HUGS))
    1371 days ago
  • v TDWANDD2MYK9
    ((HUGS))
    1371 days ago
  • v LIZALOT
    Oh poor you! I kind of thought that might be coming too. All I can say, to add to all the others, is that I've been through it, and you do come out the other side. The kids will too, although they'll need all your help and love.

    Sending loads of hugs
    emoticon

    1371 days ago
  • v JUSGETTENBY42
    emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v NILLAPEPSI
    I am so very, very sorry that you're going through this. Big, big emoticon !! emoticon

    It has been through the darkest valleys, as mentioned in the Psalm 23 devotional, that I have grown the most as a person & in my walk with God.

    I'll be praying for you & your family.
    1371 days ago
  • v KARRENLYNN
    I'm sorry you are going thru this time. I initiated my divorce as the best alternative because I couldn't have what I really wanted. But that didn't mean it was easy. Fortunately we make better friends than spouses. You do run the gamut of emotions and realizations particularly with kids involved. You have to do what is best for you so you can be the best for your kids.

    I would make an observation that maybe you should explain to your kids what you need to before you put in on the public forums. I would respect your request, but not everyone might. And once it's out there, you can't take it back.

    Good luck in your journey. Things will get better with time. I didn't think so, but it did, and in many ways its better. I wish you the best.

    Karen emoticon emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v ILIKETOZUMBA
    I'm so sorry you're going through such difficult times, but I know from reading your blogs that you're obviously strong enough to handle anything, both physically and mentally. And I'm glad you've had your training to focus on as an escape and to work out some of your stress. I can't even imagine how much stress you must be under! emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v ITSTHENEWLAUREN
    emoticon SANDIEGOJOHN is wise. I recently had my separation from my husband finalised, a few more months until we can legally file for divorce. It's not easy and nothing about it is fun. The good part is I learned so much about myself through the process and I AM STRONGER than I ever realised.

    emoticon for putting your children first that is important too. emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v RUNNER12COM
    You are stronger than even you know.
    1371 days ago
  • v SHOAPIE
    emoticon
    1371 days ago
  • v LMH1223
    Hang in there Sweetie! You are such a strong woman, you'll come through this even more amazing! I have been through divorce as well, and it's not easy. Some day's are easier than others, some conversations go more smoothly than others, some people will stick with you and others wont. As you are already finding out, you learn so much about yourself in this type of situation and what you are capable of! You are an amazing mother! Hang in there!!

    emoticon
    1371 days ago
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