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Deeply Personal and Slightly Risky. But I Won't Hide Any Longer.

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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Well, I've stared at a blank blog box for days, even weeks now...longing to share all the lessons and growth experiences I've been going through...but couldn't decide if, when and how I should do so here.

After quite a bit of thought and consideration, I've decided it's time to put some words to this and put it into the digital abyss. Not necessarily for you...although it might indirectly help someone out there in a similar situation (that seems to happen a lot with my blogs)...but more for myself. I process things in my life via writing (in case you haven't figured that out yet).

This entire fitness journey that I've been on...this life that has completely changed who I am as a person...a big part of my sticking to it has been this blog. It's always great to get encouragement from you all...to hear an "atta girl" once in awhile and to feel some sort of responsibility for my actions (because people are "watching").

This...this is different. This is more a need for me to release things and process very complex issues...to state truths about myself and to figure out (as my therapist says) what is "authentic to me".

Before I share...there is only one request I make of you...if you know me on Facebook...please respect my wishes and do not comment about this over there. It's not that friends and family don't know and I'm not telling anyone. It's that my kids have not been given this information yet...if it goes on FB, I worry someone will mention it in front of them before I've had a chance to figure out how to explain things to them. Thanks in advance for your cooperation there.

If you read my blogs regularly, you have seen me reference many times the fact that my life has taken a turn for some difficult times recently. Many of you have messaged me and you have figured it out...but for the sake of clarity, I will just admit that my husband of almost 12 years and I are in the midst of a divorce. I will not go into specifics of why and you will find no angry rants on my soon-to-be ex on this blog. We have three beautiful children together and we will always be tied at the heart because of that. Even with the reality of separation in front of us, we have had some of our best talks ever these past couple of weeks...and we both agree that our friendship will weather all the changes that are to come for both of us. And we hope that this will help to ease the transition for our kids, at least a little bit.

What you will find here is my search to become the person that I truly am. My quest to understand what exactly is going on in my heart and how my fitness goals and career goals and parenting goals all come together and connect to bring meaning to my new life as a part-time single mom/part-time single gal.

Because of financial issues, I can't make any real moves for a few months...so I am faced with the very awkward situation of staying in the same house with my husband when we both realize that what we formerly had is over. As you can imagine, there is some tension with this...and a whole host of emotions to deal with.

I obviously can't explain everything in one blog. I'm sure things will play out over a series of them. I can tell you that I wasn't joking when I said my training is my escape. I have never put more of myself and more of my heart into my health as I have this past two weeks.

In some ways, I feel the more I push in my workouts, the more emotional release I feel when it's over. Swimming has been a safe haven, as I've mentioned it brings a feeling of tranquility and overall well-being in a time when I'm dealing with so many fears and unknowns, as well as intense feelings of failure.

Running and spinning and biking give me an outlet for any anger or conflicted emotions or frustration...these are disciplines where I can just push myself and really let it all out on the road/bike/treadmill...and then leave it there for a bit.

Weight training, although relatively new to my regimen, has quite literally been a metaphor for me...for how strong I currently am and how strong I am becoming...pushing through discomfort and getting that one last rep...it makes me stronger.

It has been 4 weeks since I officially announced my intention to go through with the divorce. It has been 3 weeks that I've adhered fiercely to this new phase of training.

My body has already been changing. I can feel it (everything is tighter...it feels smaller...I am stronger and more muscular) and I can see it (I can finally see a difference in the reflection in the mirror and on the scale). With this comes a brand new love for myself and a realization that I have what I need to achieve my fitness goals. I am becoming a new person.

Somehow, these simple physical changes have managed to seep into every area of my life...my career, my parenting, my relationships. It helps to remind me that I now have at least a small grasp on how my future plays out. And, finally....after so many dark years...I feel HOPE...that things could be different for me. That I could live true to myself...rather than living a facade.

A friend posted this on Facebook and it just seems so perfect right now...definitely brought tears to my eyes. It's something she found in a devotional on Psalm 23.

"It is in the valley where the most magnificent growth of your life will happen and it is there that the fruit of the Spirit will grow in lush abundance. May I just say it this way: In the valley where your heart was broken will be the place of your greatest harvest.

God wants our cups to run over not only when life is good and the view is spectacular; He wants our cups to run over in the valley of pain and in the desert of brokenness. God sets before you a table of blessing that will heal your broken heart and feed your hungry soul."

So, there you have it, friends. Now you know.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so sorry to hear about the divorce. May you find the strrength to build a new life for yourself and for your family. You are amazing that you can channel your energy into exercise and focus on the positives.

    1894 days ago
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    1907 days ago
  • SHIRE33
    Happy to see you get so many supportive and wise comments. This is when I know we really are a community. I think it's good for you to work through this difficult time by communicating and seeking connections.

    Some people say "everything happens for a reason." Myself, I sort of avoid that idea. I guess because it makes me uncomfortable to think that "Somebody" is planning lots of misery for "our own good." Instead, I use a "surfing" metaphor. The ocean throws waves. We can get swamped, but we can also know the thrill of surfing them, riding the waves. And through it all, however you think of it -- spirit, God, love -- is right there on board with you.

    I really admire how you are making your body journey work for you. I'm having tough times at work and family illnesses, which is not NEARLY as difficult as what you are going through. I'll take your lessons to heart.

    1909 days ago
    Hugs to you as you pick your way through difficult times.
    1910 days ago
    It was hard to read your blog through (cleansing) tears. I'd like to S mail you when I get my wits back.

    Hugs & prayers
    1911 days ago
  • GLORYB83
    Many years ago, I went through a divorce of my first husband, after 27 years together, so I really understand what you're saying.
    I love the piece you put on "Psalm 23", it had a soothing affect to me.
    You'll get through this and you'll be even stronger!
    1912 days ago
    Definitely not an easy road to travel but many of us have been there.
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    1912 days ago
  • BANDMOM2012
    Prayers for you.
    1912 days ago
    You're so graceful when speaking about something so personal here on this public forum. I'm praying that you have the strength to continue down your graceful path and that your children take a mature, understanding stance.

    Thank you for the reminder about finding God in the valleys. It's easy to forget in the rough times that God has a greater plan that we can yet understand.

    Stay true to yourself and strong in your faith!
    1912 days ago
    I love what you say about the valley...so beautifully written amidst this hard time. Sending prayers your way.
    1912 days ago
  • D-ABBY
    Praying for you. Our DD1 went through a divorce after 9 years of marriage. It was sudden and painful as the man we all loved and thought would be in our family until Jesus comes broke a sacred trust that destroyed the good we had. She is now remarried to a fine man who loves and cares for her and the kids, but the pain of loss is still there for us. And there are always such difficult consequences to deal with even though he sinned and broke trust. It is so difficult. But God is good and he sees us through. If this is the way for you, I pray His presence to see you through the often difficult days that follow any such break in life. May healing be swift and you children be shielded. Darlene / D-Abby
    1913 days ago
    1913 days ago
    Beautiful blog. So honest. I know that through this tremendous change which is heartbreaking, painful, and hard, you will find peace ( not only with your decisions but within yourself) I think you've already started that journey and are seeing the shift. I never looked at the cup runneth over as it going both ways- both with abundance of good and abundance of pain. It's a wonderfully insightful way of looking at it.
    In the valley, comes the largest growths. Sustaining growths.
    Keep going. Keep doing. Keep looking inward. You're doing great. emoticon emoticon emoticon x10.

    1913 days ago
    1913 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear about this...Prayers for you and your family!
    1913 days ago
    Good luck!
    1913 days ago
    Best wishes to you during this difficult transition period. I've always thought that writing was therapeutic as well -- and so it is good to see you get it out there. Good luck to you!
    1913 days ago
    1913 days ago
    Congratulations on finding hope and some control over your future during difficult times. It may be the greatest life lesson you get.
    1913 days ago
  • WILEE323
    I ran my first half marathon 3 months after my husband of 22 years and I separated. Training hard and those long runs with only the voice inside my head to keep me company saved me. 7 years later, I know I made the right decision and am finally able to be me. Good luck and keep your chin up!!
    1913 days ago
    emoticon blog. Good luck to you in your new phase of life.
    1913 days ago
    Hugs to you!! I am in the middle of a divorce of my husband of 13 years. I understand (to a certain degree) what you might be feeling. I also have no nasty words against him. This is about what is best for all of us in the family unit. We have two kids. Sending prayers to you. Stay strong. If you need to vent or some positive words, let me know. I am here for you.
    1913 days ago
  • SFREY217
    Praise him always, through the good and the bad and you will come through everything closer to Him and stronger for yourself !
    1913 days ago
  • QUAIL75
    emoticon Thanks for sharing and thinking of you.
    1913 days ago
    You are very strong, I hope the best for you!
    1914 days ago
  • SPAQUEEN2012
    Some of the worst things that have ever happened to me....have turned out to be the best things in my life. Not always then and sometimes not for a long time, but those choices (not always mine) have put me down roads I would probably not have taken voluntarily.

    Hang in there - - emoticon
    1914 days ago
    The Lord is carrying you. Blessing unto you. I have been there. Many, many y ears ago. Lean on us.
    1914 days ago
    God will bring you through it, he is your strength. I wish you all the best and luck in your new endeavors. Although I don't know you personally, I just want to say, you'll get through this, because you are being true to yourself.
    1914 days ago
    WOW! sometimes "good things come out of bad things"

    sorry the relationship is over besides the fact you 2 share children together you'll always be in contact one way or another.

    but awesome reading about your works, your strengths keep going!

    1914 days ago
    "In the valley where your heart was broken will be the place of your greatest harvest." I can see some relevance to that. Six years ago I had a major life changing event. For a while I lived in a very dark place and then I eventually moved out of it and into the light. The past few years have been good. But now I find myself falling back into that dark place and I hope that I can turn this around before I do go back there.

    Divorce is hard. I hope that many positive things come from it and that your children will not be negatively affected by the divorce. Good luck and God bless.

    1914 days ago
    For people of faith who believe that marriage is God's joining of two people into one couple, divorce is not something we approach lightly. My heart goes out to you because I know you did not arrive at this place carelessly. I am glad that you were able to "process" it into a blog and get it out of your head. I find catharsis in writing things down, too. I am happy that you are finding some outlet for all the various emotions through your training--that will help a lot and will give you a sense of accomplishment, control and success while other areas seem to be failing and out of control.

    Take care and keep blogging. I will keep you in my prayers.
    1914 days ago
    You are courageous. It takes a lot of courage to do what many of us would like to but can't find it in themselves.. Stay strong..
    1914 days ago
  • OPTIMIST1948
    Not an easy time for you. I wish you all the best.
    1914 days ago
  • WILSON1926
    I'm sorry to hear the bad news. But you hang in there beautiful and things will turn around and you'll be fine. Don't stop believing in yourself and the strength you have.
    1914 days ago
  • MISSLISA1973
    I am sorry for your loss. It is sad when a marriage ends. emoticon
    1914 days ago

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    Sending up PRAYERS for your whole family !

    It is sad, but YOU know what you HAVE to do

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    1915 days ago
    Sorry to hear the bad news. Life DOES go on.
    1915 days ago
    My children were very young when I divorced 20 years ago. I remember sitting with my Pastor after the final decision to divorce had been made. He gave me this verse and told me that I would understand much later, the true meaning:

    "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." 2nd Corinthians 12:9-10

    I know that in difficult times, I would repeat it over and over. I hope this helps.

    1915 days ago
    You are emoticon
    1915 days ago
    1915 days ago
    Thank you for making yourself vulnerable so others can learn from you. Although you may not feel like a leader or teacher, you are. To your kids and to all of us here reading. Finding peace takes so much prayer and time. I know you've got this!
    1915 days ago
    God Bless You & Your Family, I agree with Proverb31Julia
    marriage is never easy and often we get lost, sometimes we just need to find our selves again in order to find our spouses....
    Love Always Your Sister in Christ Jesus

    a survivor
    1915 days ago
    I am sorry to here about your divorce, but you have said some really profound things. In the valley is where you gain your strength. God is ever present in those valley experiences to see you through. Your determination and the outlet you are using to go through this is what He has given you to go through.
    1915 days ago
    Oh my gosh - I am so sorry! Divorce is so heartbreaking...and confusing. You wonder the whole time, am I doing the right thing...I am going through with this no matter what...should I go through with this....ugh. I totally understand. I hope things work out for the best, and if it helps, I will certainly keep you in my prayers. Keep using your workouts as an outlet! You will reap so many benefits from keeping up with it. (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
    1915 days ago
    I am so sorry for you hunni and I hope that you get through this awful time. It sounds as if you and your husband are being very good to each other through this process, which is a blessing.
    May I just suggest, and you can totally ignore this suggestion, but I've heard this from MANY friends who have had parents divorce. Kids know, even if they're really young, that something is "up" around this time. They can feel the stress and the tension, and often they end up feeling it's their fault if they "discover" it before their parents tell them. I know you'll do the best for your kiddies, I'm not suggesting anything different. Also, the world has changed so parents are more open with their kids now which is good. But definitely as others have suggested, sooner may be better - god knows you don't want some friend's parent to tell their kids and then it gets through to your kids through a classmate or something awful like that.
    Best of luck hunni you are strong and will get through this!
    1915 days ago
  • EVELYN12590
    Thank you for sharing your life with us! We all go through dark times and it's nice to know that you can post here and not be judged! emoticon
    1915 days ago
    Thank you for sharing! I hope you don't mind me sharing the devotional. emoticon
    1915 days ago
    Oh, Leah - I has suspected as much. I know how hard it is - 30 years ago I was turning 30 and getting divorced. Now I am turning 60 and have a better life than I could have dreamed of, but at the time, it was tough. One of the things I found is that with a divorce, people say "get over it", and don't realize that you have to grieve the loss of the marriage. In many ways it is a death, and you will need time to process it and get through it. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers.

    1915 days ago
  • ESME25
    1915 days ago
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