Well this whole week was one massive example of how not to lose weight and hopefully the finale to my month long downward spiral. I can't keep spinning out of control like this. I'm so disappointed that I got half a pound away from my 50lb mark and then just lost focus. As of last Saturday, I was only up 1.5 lbs because I was still fighting for control. But this last week... Ugh. I don't even know what to say about it. I was off work which meant out of my routine and just derailed completely. I ate papa johns pizza for goodness sake! which i dont even like! Miss organic, non-processed, support local business. what am i doing with my life right now?!

I'm not even weighing myself tomorrow. Sorry to my team, I just can't face it right now. I'm going to get myself back on track for a week and see where I'm at next week. I just need to focus on getting my healthy habits back. I've already tracked meals for the next 3 days and will finish the rest of the week's plan tomorrow. And im getting off all the refined sugar which means no square of dark chocolate and no sugar in my coffee - the 2 main things ive allowed for awhile now. ive just been letting myself get away with too much. i gotta get back control. Plus I've made a exercise plan that I'm going to stick to. I even started it today which is good because I ate thanksgiving leftovers even though I vowed yesterday that I wouldn't. (But I did say no to pie). So I was feeling crappy and didn't want to run but I did it anyway.

I've been really sporadic with running the last couple weeks and it hasn't been all that enjoyable. So I decided to just take it easy tonight. I ran super slow, like 15.5 min/mile. And only did 30 min. My legs were in pain the whole time which is so frustrating. I wish I knew if its my shoes or just me not doing it enough. I'm tired of my legs burning so bad. But I'm not quitting. And at least I made myself do it. The only way to improve is to keep going. So that's what I'm going to do. I can't keep betting myself up because I'm not where I think I should be. I have to just go from where I am and do my best and let that be enough.

Anyway I've had a setback. It sucks. I feel impatient and frustrated and mad at myself. But I gotta keep going. I know I can do this. I've been starting to feel like I did 49(48? 47? 46?) lbs ago- like its all impossible. I'm too addicted. I have no will power. It's too hard. I'll never be thin. But I have to remember that I've been doing it. I AM doing it. I've come a long way. I'm not quitting now. I can do hard things.