Friday, November 23, 2012
When I signed up on SP, I filled out my website registration, closed the page and forgot about it for a month. When I came back, I fiddled around with the meal tracker and also started blogging like mad. After I got over that initial few days of dragging my butt around, I regained my energy level and then got that amazing burst of energy that comes with a nice detoxed body.
I cruised along on this energy for about 4 months and it was amazing!
Then I don't know what happened. Life happened, I suppose. My beau and I have had lots of setbacks financially, and I have had some setbacks physically. I made it through problems with my knee, fell and twisted one ankle, followed by the other ankle about 10 days later...then my nice big fall in the road banging up both knees and peeling the skin off both palms several days after that. There have been days that I have been so stressed that I felt like I was climbing the walls, and my panic attacks are worsening again.
Today, I realized something. I probably will not live to be very old. I have treated my body very poorly throughout my life and I cannot get the stress under control. I hurt. All the time. In doing some checking online and I am pretty sure that one of my falls twisted the cuboid bone in my foot. At the moment I am not able to get to the doctor to have him check it out....so brilliant me decides that while I cannot afford a co pay right now...I will try to manipulate it back into place myself. The result being that now the area surrounding the cuboid bone feels much better, but I put a lot of pressure on my ankle joint...so I am still walking funny. Along with the heel spur on the other foot...well, I have been hurting from my feet clear up to my hips from walking funny.
Both of my ankles are swollen 24/7, sometimes I wrap them, sometimes ice, sometimes heat, always elevated when I am at home. I have tried pushing my way past the pain while walking/jogging, and I have tried not jogging at all. Nothing is working for very long. I am only moving now out of stubbornness and refusing to give up. I have backed my walking/jogging down to 1 mile at a time, but I am going out every day now. Funny thing is that my feet and ankles hurt LESS when I jog, but I am not able to keep up a slow jog for more than a tenth of a mile.
I will be hitting the 100 miles of exercise in a few days, it is my birthday present to myself. Actually, I will hit 100 on the day before my birthday with doing 1 mile per day.
I am VERY bothered and upset lately with not being able to progress past 5k, and now not even being able to do that much. Every day that I have to limp through a mile, or limp to the bathroom from the living room, I feel like my goals are slipping away. I accomplished my 5k goal within the timeframe that I wanted, now I am worried that I will not make my 10k goal by the end of spring 2013 and my HM....I feel like I should just forget that all together.
Soooo....if you have made it reading this far, thats my excuse for being MIA. I just needed a break. I feel like I am slowly failing in all that I had set out to do in this. I am back to those few days in the beginning, congratulating myself for being able to actually make it out of bed and drag myself to work every day. I feel like my diet has gone to hell, I spent a couple of weeks playing with the same 2-3 pounds, but I am pretty sure at this point that I have just put those 3 pounds back on. I am, however, making the effort to get my water intake back up and have been getting my fruit and veggie intake back as well.
I just wanted to check in and let y'all know I am still here and I will continue to cruise on my pigheaded-autopilot for now.
I. Will. Not. Quit.