Friday, November 23, 2012
I wish I could truly convey the feeling of peace that has come over me in the past few days. Both hubby and I are still very sad with the passing of our baby girl but with it has come such wonderful feelings that we know in our hearts is her. She is such an old soul, much older than either hubby or I, and the body of an infant must have felt so confining for her.
We still cry, and very much wish we had physically been able to bring her home from the hospital with us, but she has certainly let us know that she is still here with us and isn't going anywhere any time soon. She has many lessons to teach us and has been providing us with immense healing.
More than anything I wish our families were able to feel what hubby and I feel. We have tried sharing with them how we are feeling and I hope at least some of what we shared was able to stay with them. They are suffering in their own way and I actually find myself wanting to ease their pain.
Her viewing was last night at the funeral home and when I first went in and saw here there wrapped in a blanket and beautifully lying in a bassinet I sat down and cried. By the time it was time to go home I sat with her again and felt so peaceful looking at her. She has such an amazing, powerful presence.
One of the hugest impacts she has had on my life is filling me with an overwhelming need to take care of myself. I have let myself fall into a state of being a typical mom and taking care of everyone else first. I started taking care of everyone else first when my son was born almost three years ago and just tossed my own care aside. She has reminded me that I am very important and I need to tend to my own needs as well.
She has also given me such a new appreciation for life and making me realize how important it is to get out and fully live life. Take part in life and experience as much as possible. I have been making excuses for quite some time as to why I haven't been bothering with doing things. I have been neglecting dreams and instead choosing to continue watching them and dreaming rather than to actually start living them and seeing them happen. I now realize how important it is to live those dreams.
The lives we have our precious gifts that should not be wasted. This is something I have known for many years and it's sad that it took the death of my daughter to make me fully embrace how true this really is.