This will not make any sense to you if you have not read the original blog at: www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
I held off posting a update for a few reasons. 1. I was waiting until we had another therapy appt (which we did & I will share how that went).
2. My Dr thought I had a heart attack, so I had to get tests done & I was a tad busy dealing with that ;)
3. I really did not want to infringe on anyone with all this negative stuff right before Thanksgiving.
So we had the team meeting, the heart tests are done & Turkey day is over, so I will now cont....
Team meeting - went very bad! But not the way I feared it would. I was worried he would get super upset & maybe not return and/or he would turn home life into an even more battle ground. None of those things happened.
Instead the team explained to me that this was all a part of his mental health & picks issues. They went on to say (despite my mouth hanging wide open) that I needed to be have patience's. They told me that he will go in cycles of doing better then going back, doing worse then a little better, then going back and so on. Actually gave me paperwork with circles on to show me the process. He sat there all smug! I kept trying to explain that this was all incorrect as he had not been honest with them, but then I was told I needed to stop denying what was really happening and give him room.
GRRRRRRRR!!!!! I gave them the example of him cooking a meal for himself, not offering me 1 bite, eating it in front of me while I was in the same room doing HIS chores, having already put in a 12 hr day and still had many more hrs to go. I gave them the example of - how he will not pick up after himself, and how he won't give me the time I NEED to take my PC classes & do my computer work. It always came back to his issues. So now he feels TOTALLY justified in ALL that he does - does not do.
SO that idea did not go well :(
Heart Attack - I thought I had the flue. Sweating, chills, throwing up etc. I got this horrible jaw pain that I assume was due to throwing up. Like maybe I dislocated my jaw or something. I put ice packs on it & it still remained. When I seen my Dr my BP was like 160/120 so he thought I had a HA. I don't have the official results back (I did the tests on Weds) but am assuming I am good. They said my Dr would call me Mon or Tuesday unless their Dr seen something really serious. Then she would call me that day. I did not get any calls. But they did say that I at least need to go on BP meds (great!).
Ok so here is where I am - I'm not leaving him. I'm just not. So I need to find ways to not get so upset so often. I am sure that is what is behind the BP issue. I never had high BP - I was always like 100/70.
Plus I don't want to live my life angry. I am hurt, I am lonely but I can handle those emotions and know different ways to deal with them.
It's the anger that is getting to me.
Today was a very busy day as it is for most women in this country on Thanksgiving Day ;) It was a extra challenging day for me as of my spine injury & the pain this type of work brings. Every single room I went into today (while working on the food prep) greeted me with a mess made by him. Time & time again - all day long. He laid in bed when he was not messing things up. So all day I was upset.
I can not keep going like this! This is how it goes every day!
Side note* I don't think I shared this before. I do believe that he does things on purpose so I get mad. He gets me mad, I yell, then he plays victim. He ADORES being a victim!! Seriously.
I do keep my mouth shut at least 95% of the time but so as not to fuel it. But inside I am quite upset.
So the advice, tips etc., I am seeking are ways to not get upset.
I am DONE trying to "change" him, get him to see things differently, get him to view me differently.
It is time to move forward!!
So with all due respect, I ask that you please please please don't offer ideas of how to deal with him.
I am a spiritually person, and I pray, I pray & I pray lol I believe in thinking positively, (I know these blogs don't show it right now) I believe in being grateful.
I burn sage (it makes me feel better to take a action to clean out negative energy). I open windows & doors to let in fresh air as much as possible. I listen to my ipod with upbeat music (just a FYI - that drives him nuts! I am not allowed to play my music loud so I got a ipod. But when he sees me with the ear buds in he finds a million things he has to tell me NOW every few minutes). I read uplifting, inspiring and such articles.
But every time I walk into a room & find he left dirty dishes lay there for me I lose all that I gained! Every time I struggle to get in the door with a load of grocery or stuff & he lays on the couch and won't get up to help, etc etc I lose all that I gained :(
So I really need ideas on how to stop having a knee jerk reaction of being angry.