Thursday, November 22, 2012
Whew...so where do I start?
In my last blog, I talked about reinvention. And it has been a work in progress. It's been so hard. Starting is hard. Making the right choices. I can't believe it is SO hard to do.
I know it gets better, gets easier as I get used to it, but this last 20-30 days has been rough on me, emotionally and physically.
I've been sick-ish since about Halloween. I had strep throat, and am still taking antibiotics for it. I see the ENT doctor about this on Wednesday. Not sure if I'll be getting my tonsils taken out, but if I need them out, I would push for sooner rather than later, if I can.
But, I'm also having a hysterectomy with bladder repair on Dec 21, and I'll be needing to stay away from running/lifting/all that fun stuff for 6 weeks. I am looking to run a 5K 2 weeks after coming back to running and work, so that should be interesting. I most likely will be walking at least part of it.
For about the last 2 months, I have been unstoppable when it comes to eating. I have been binge eating a bit less, but grazing a lot more. I rarely stopped eating throughout the day. It is really amazing how much weight you can gain in such a short amount of time. The last weight I saw was 206 pounds, and that was 2 weeks ago.
I haven't been weighing myself because I started in a 6-week program almost 2 weeks ago for eating disorders. I went through the intake process, which started out by meeting with the coordinator, then the medical doctor, followed by the dietitian, then the psychologist, ending with the same coordinator. It was pretty overwhelming. I was basically told that if I was serious about this program, about helping myself and overcoming my binge eating disorder (and also anorexia which I didn't realize I had), that I would NOT be weighed, I would NOT be counting calories or points, and that I would write down what I ate, and various things about it, like how I am feeling, if what I ate strayed from the plan, and to note things about that. Also, to write down if I exercised, what did I do, how long, and was it "compensatory" exercise (to work off the effects of a binge).
The purpose of this program was to normalize my eating pattern, basically "intuitive" eating where I would eat when I am hungry, if I overeat to move on and not snowball...there was a great illustration of what they mean, saying that when you are driving your car and you run into trouble, have a flat tire, then you fix that tire and keep moving on. You don't get out and let the air out of the other tires.
The first week after that meeting was rough. Although I was writing everything down, I still was eating a lot. I had my birthday, though I did eat less than I normally would have (splitting my meal with DH, having only 1 slice of my cake). It wasn't until 2 days ago that it started really clicking for me, that I started really wanting to eat normally. That I stopped thinking about my weight and how I looked in the mirror, stopped thinking about how I need to be such-and-such weight before such-and-such time.
One of the biggest hurdles for me was/is the fact that about 18 months ago I was 160 pounds and in the best shape of my life. I was working out 5-6 days a week, was running half marathons, 10K's, 5K's, etc. and fitting into size 8/10 clothes. Today, I am approximately 205 pounds, in the worst shape (in my mind) since at least about April 2010. I am working out about 1 time a week, maybe 2 (yes, I know a lot of this is because of my throat but that has turned into an excuse sometimes), and I am fitting into size 14 clothes, leaning toward size 16.
It's hard not to feel discouraged by this, to feel depressed.
Until I take away the little microscope in my head, and look at everything as a whole. For instance, I am leagues away from where I was when I started my journey at 286 pounds. And in the worst shape? I ran a freaking marathon just over a month ago! Yes, it took me 6 hours, but if my hip/knee hadn't been hurting so much and I finished the second half as I did my first half, we would have finished in about 5:15-5:30 hours.
Anyway, the point is....who cares? Why am I so focused on where I am now and down on myself about it, when I can and SHOULD be more focused on what I am doing today, and not looking at my past or my future when it is harmful to my well-being.
I need to stop feeling remorse or regret. I am finally working on that new mindset, where I am happy, with myself, with my life, with just being who I am.
I am a mommy. I am a wife, a sister, a daughter. I am strong. I am a motivator. I can inspire. I am worthwhile.
My next blog within a day or two, will be recapping, and any plans I have.
I really want to make SP a part of my everyday life again. I get so much from SP, from my friends here, and it is the perfect outlet for journaling about my life.
And each day, I'll name something/someone that/who is motivating me.
Today: Kaylee (my daughter)