Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Over the past few days I can't even begin to describe the various emotions I have been going through. Things have certainly not been what I would have expected them to be at this point. My life is definitely different, I am changed, and I don't even realize yet how changed. I will probably still be noticing changes 20 years down the road.
Ok...I will backpedal a couple of days to last Wednesday, because in some way that is really when things changed for us.
I was getting bad cramps in my stomach Wednesday night. Kinda felt like contractions. Hubby was even timing them for me. Then, all of a sudden, they eased up and the rest of the night continued normally, which meant going to bed because it was so late at night. All part of the joys of being 37 weeks pregnant.
All day Thursday I was uncomfortable from cramping but I didn't worry too much. I had an ultra sound Friday morning and I would mention it all to my doctor then.
Getting hooked up to a heart monitor Friday morning in the hospital was when everything changed. There was no heartbeat. The nurse tried to remain optimistic for us and said the baby was probably just in a bad position but both hubby and I started going numb because we knew. There had always been a heartbeat; it was always strong and easy to find.
When the doctor came in for the ultra sound there was no life on the screen and instantly everything had changed for me. I had gone from buying baby things and putting a crib up to nothing, at least that is what it had felt like at first.
Saturday I had to go back to the hospital to deliver the baby. I had been really mad at first because a huge part of me just wanted them to take me in on Friday, get the baby out and let me run away to hide in a hole. Now that it has been done I am thankful that I had that one last night to spend with her still being a part of me. It was a very emotional night for both hubby and me.
It was a long day on Saturday, 14 hours of labour, a lot of pain, but I made it. She was born at 12:59 am Sunday morning. Hubby and I had a few minutes to hold her and cry together. At first when I was told I would have that opportunity I didn't think I wanted it but I am really glad now that I took it. I needed that time to be with her, hold her in my arms, and tell her, as much as I didn't want to, that it was ok for her to go. It was so hard but I assured her that mommy and daddy would be ok and she was free to go do whatever it was she needed to do.
Ever since then things have just kind of been happening. We had to make arrangements with a funeral home, which was something that had never occurred to me at all. But she was carried full term and therefore she is a human being. We have been doing our best to keep moving forward and on many levels I think we have been doing so much better than either of us would have ever thought possible.
The hardest part we are facing now is sharing this news with friends. Some of them don't seem to know how to talk with us once we have told them. They respond as if we are made of glass and will break at any second. It's difficult to convince some people that we are still us, still the same us they have known, just sad at the moment. We may randomly break down but they don't have to freak out about it; just give us a hug or a comforting pat and we will come around. Just because we are grieving we can not stop life, we just have to learn to take those breaks when we need them and not push the emotions that need to be felt aside.
There were no answers as to what had happened and we have had to accept that. We do know that one day we do want to try again for another child, but not right now. We do have a beautiful son who is almost three and without him I don't know how we would be dealing. Another thing that is a reality for me is being diabetic. My health is a constant reality and just because I am crying doesn't mean that I can toss everything aside. It won't wait for me to feel better. Hubby and I have actually been talking about getting some issues with our health under control and finding some therapy in that.
Neither hubby or I are trying to run away from anything. We have actually been embracing all of our ever changing emotions, even the ones we don't understand. We have been very open and communicative with each other through this whole process and have been there supporting each other through every up and down. What we have been dealing with is not something I would wish upon anyone under any circumstance but I have learned that there are lessons to be learned from every situation and ignoring those lessons would be dishonouring the memory of my beautiful little girl.
Just because we didn't physically bring her home with us she is still here with us. She is felt everywhere. Her soul is old and she is wise. She has learned many things and has many lessons to teach us yet and honestly, had she been born and come home with us as planned we would not have had ears to hear what she truly had to say to us.
I love her and I wish I could hold her in my arms, but that was merely not meant to be. I will hold on to her forever in my heart and never forget a moment of the time I had with her.