Wednesday, November 21, 2012
You know how they say that addicts have to hit rock bottom before they do anything about their addiction. Well I've hit rock bottom. Yesterday I went to the plus size store in search of pants. I am currently living in stretchy athletic/yoga pants. I had the most defeating moment in my life. That says alot, since I thought I hit that point two weeks before my wedding. I gained 30 pounds in the two months leading up to my wedding and when I tried my dress (that I bought 6 months before the big day) it didn't fit. A river of tears issued forth and one would have thought I would have gotten my act together. Well here I am 10 pounds heaver than that day and feeling more than misrable. I never hated looking at myself in the mirror, until yesterday. I'm just wresting with so many emotions right now; sadness, anger, and mostly helpless.
For six years my husband has begged me to go to the gym on a regualr bases. He's begged me to stop eating fast food, fattening food, and all unhealthy foods in general. I of course just did it in small spurts to pacify him and never to take care of myself. Now I'm two pant sizes BIGGER. As hard as that is to deal with I have to think about what all this weight and excess fat is doing to my body. I'm killing myself with food. There is no other way to see it. I'm one burger away from a heart disease. I'm already at risk with my diabetes, BMI, and family history. What have I done to myself?! Or maybe what I have I not done for myself?
I need to ACT and stop THINKING about acting. I can't wait for some magical transformation. I can't sit on my behind and dream of days when I'm thinner, healthier, and more active. It requires ACTION. If I don't ACT, I'm going to end up in an oversized coffin. That's the hard truth about it. I can't continue on this path of self-destruction with food. I will only get the things I want but working for them. I want to walk and not gasp for air. I want to hike and canoe and do outdoor activited with ease. I want to be healthy and minimize my risks for heart disease and reduce the medications that I'm on. I want to be able to stop freaking out that a wayward pain in my arm or chest is a heart attack.
I think that it is appropriate that this happened now, because tomorrow for Thanksgiving I'm going to be thankful that I've finally seen the truth of my situation. Because hitting rock bottom means you can start moving up and moving toward something better.