Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Today is officially six months of the ďnew meĒ if you want to say it all weird. I suppose itís a good time to reflect a little and see whatís changed.
When I started, I weighed in at 403 pounds. Today, I weighed in at 295 pounds.
When I started, I was stretching out size 52 pants and shirts anywhere from 4XL to 5XL. Today Iím wearing 42 jeans, a 2XL shirt and sweater, and they fit me comfortably.
When I started, Iíd had facial hair constantly since May of 2003, because of the dreaded ďfat faceĒ. Now, my face is clean shaven and fat face has been banished.
When I started, I shopped for clothes at two stores: Casual Male and Burlington Coat Factory. Oh wait, Walmart had size 4XL Fruit of the Loom t-shirts that I could stretch to fit my body. Today, Iím wearing nothing from those stores but my socks. In fact, as Iíve stated before, Iím kind of an Old Navy addict, like any good 15-year-old girl. My Jockeys are also an XL instead of an XXL, and they arenít coming apart at the seams from stress. Imagine that.
When I started, I could walk three miles, but it was a pain in the ass. Today, Iím planning two 5Ks on Thanksgiving, and walking a mile to and from the last one. I walked six miles on Sunday and had to keep reminding myself that I wasnít slacking and this did indeed count as a workout.
You get the point. Things are much better, Iím much healthier and Iím now bringing the sexy. There arenít many downsides to this. There are some things that straddle the line though. When I donít work out, I feel anxious. Antsy. Not so much guilty, but I feel like I really should be doing something. I have a hard time giving myself a rest day and sitting in front of the TV. When Iíve worked out, I think I have every right to sit there watching Baggage with Jerry Springer. So Iím not sure if thatís a good thing or a bad thing that I feel that way.
Also, Iím still learning to adjust to being a normal person, which is strange because when I was super-fat, a lot of time was spent trying to blend in. Now, I want to stand out (hence the new love of fancy clothes), but it clashes with my instincts to blend in. So I have, as Iíve said before, a desire to be noticed, but a distinct aversion to my weight loss being recognized. Recognition of any kind for my weight has never been in a positive light. When youíre 400 pounds and someone notices your weight, itís never for a good reason. Now, people legitimately donít realize Iím the same person at first, and then thatís what they want to talk about.
The strange thing is, Iím fine with all of this online, and I truly appreciate the people that have said that Iíve inspired them or someone they love to get healthier. Iíve actually been seriously considering the option of looking at careers in helping people lose weight once Iíve made it to goal (by the way, if anyone knows how this can be done, drop me a line). Iím still adjusting to having to talk about it in real time, with a real person.
Now, some things that I have gotten over. Iím over the vanity of caring how many people check out the blog. Donít get me wrong, I appreciate everyone that takes the time to read it, and itís an outlet regardless of whether anyone reads it, but it doesnít validate my writing. I write because thereís something to say. Usually, I donít know what that is when I start writing, and then before I know it Iím 1000 words in and Iím sure Iím past the point where most people are still reading.
Iím also done worrying about my finishing weight. My goal weight is set at 199.6 because thatís the high point of the normal BMI range, but the BMI is largely bullsh*t anyway. Could I get there? Sure, itís possible, but it doesnít really matter if I do. As long as Iím doing the right things and Iím making progress toward a healthier life, whether the BMI thinks Iím A-OK isnít all that important. Maybe Iíll end up at 225 pounds; maybe Iíll end up at 185.
Finally, another thing that Iím doing that I havenít done in far too long: looking for a primary care physician. I canít remember the last time I had one. Luckily, Iíve been in good health, even when living a healthy lifestyle, but now that the spectre of a coarse talking-to by the doctor isnít hanging over it anymore, I really should get in for a physical, have all my fluids topped off, etc.
The downside to this is I actually have a reason to go to the doctor. My wrist has been killing me the last two days and Iím not sure what Iíve done with it. Carpal tunnel is something Iím worried about, but the sudden onset and lack of tingling or numbness has me doubting it. Hopefully, itís nothing major. I have a wall to climb next September and I need to get my strength up. Thatís it!