Saturday, April 14, 2007
I'm NOT superstitious - but it was yesterday, Friday the 13th, when I smacked up my "Little Blue." She is my BMW ti - a pretty, sporty car that handles like a dream.
Why did it happen?
Why do "accidents" happen?
I'm of the mind set that there are no accidents. I don't think that there's a force directing our lives, either.
I believe in Cause, and Effect: what we do/think/are is what we see manifesting in our lives.
And so why the accident?
do i feel undeserving of this pretty vehicle?
Am I angry at myself?
I recognize that I helped bring it upon myself.
Yesterday I was allowing myself to sit on what Bill calls my "pitty potty." It's an AA term, and one that most of us can well understand.
A few minutes before the accident I had called him (sitting in traffic - with the excuse that i was giving him traffic info, and some advice on not letting his daughter bully him - when all the while I'd been nursing a hurt.)
What was my hurt?
It was a comment he's made about my homemade beef stew.
"I usually have a couple of servings," I'd remarked"
"Perhaps that's why you're not losing weight,' he had replied.
I was hurt!
And i told him so.
"It's as if i said to you that you're not gaining muscle mass because you're not exercising," I attacked.
He shrugged. He'a a scientist, and doesn't take words personally.
My comment clearly hadn't had any effect upon him at all - though I had aimed it at his jugular!!!
I was dismayed at my feelings!
I am NOT SUPPOSED to care about what others think about me!
And besides, I'm NOT overweight, even!
He is a slim fellow, and a half inch shorter than me.
He doesn't eat much - yet, he doesn't exercise much either!
"Am I a bit of a fanatic?! " I asked myself.
"Am I insecure?" Clearly.
And that made me even more mad.
So, whilst stuck in traffic traveling from DC to VA during rush hour on a Friday afternoon I had called him.
Then I told him that his comment had bothered me.
"I'm sorry,' he had said.
"You're supposed to think of me as perfct - because I am!" I had asserted.
"Yes, you are,' he had placidily replied. I know that he is not critical of me, and gives me plenty of loving gestures, and support.
Then why was I angry?
And then it struck me: I believe I am flawed. I believe i am not a good mother/personal trainer/personal advocate ...
And then I had the accident.
I felt a part of me saying, "and so, there!"
almost a 'you deserved it!"
I applauded myself that I stayed calm, and after talking to the police, and exchanging insurance info., i went to my appointment.
I felt shaken to the core, and yet, I worked with my client, was personable, and did an OK job.
I drove to see my daughter . It was late, and she had decided to go visit a friend instead of hanging out with her mom. Can I blame her?
I would have loved for her to have chosen to be with me ...
(pitty potty back!)
Where is my joy?
I don't have it when I'm looking at other people to give it to me.
Joy is simply accepting that I am loved.
I don't have to do, or be anything to recieve love.
And thus, it cannot be taken away from me.
No car accident, comment about my weight - even i I WAS overweight! - rejection by my daughter, or any other uncomfortable situation can take it away from me when i know it is my own.
Peace and joy are ours for the taking. But then - so is every other feeling!
It's up to us to decide how to feel.
We do have to pay our bills, and deal with insurance companies, but we don;t have to feel bad.