Tuesday, November 20, 2012
A few weeks ago a "friend" of mine told me after I had posted pictures of me 30 pounds ago and of me at my current size, that he couldn't tell the difference. Now, I honestly don't know if he was just being a jerk, again, or was being truthful. He does have a tendency to try to be funny, but really isn't at all. In my quest to find pictures of me looking heavy, I realized something very interesting. I couldn't find many that showed how big I really was. As I was searching through years of pictures I remembered deleting pictures of me that showed how big I was because I was honestly embarrassed at how big I'd become. I noticed that I was conveniently somewhat covered by someone else or the angle didn't show how large I was. I also wore clothing that covered my rolls and protruding belly. They also had to be very long so that they completely covered past my hips. If I look at pictures of myself knowing that there is a difference in weight, you really cannot tell because the blouse I had on is so loose that you cannot see how big my belly really was.
I recently went shopping and bought some smaller blouses and shirts. I will not say they are more fitted but I know what's underneath. I'm going to make an admission here. I've been taking pictures of myself with my sports bra and sweatpants. I wish that I had taken them the very first day I had met with my trainer, but I didn't. It wasn't until about 2 1/2 weeks later that the thought occurred to me that this journey I'm on is really working! I had already lost 4 pounds since starting. I could feel myself change mentally. The outside seriously hadn't even begun to change. I have cropped them to only see my stomach. I flip back and forth and I'm amazed. WHEN I get to my goal weight, I will have a picture journal of me shrinking that I will share on my blog.
My poor husband will attest to how many mornings while he was still laying in bed and I was getting ready for work that I had complete breakdowns. They usually followed a weekend or night after I had fallen off the current "diet" by over indulging and the scale showed it. AGAIN. Usually, I had been trying really hard and staying the same. It got excruciatingly frustrating! He easily lost 35 pounds by cutting out side dishes at dinner. Then, he thought nothing of having a clearance cake or high calorie take-out or anything. He could always spare the extras. I couldn't. It would do a number on my diet as well as a number on my confidence. I'd quit and get even bigger than the last time.
There's a huge difference this time. It's me. I have finally made up my mind that nothing, but nothing is going to deter me from getting where I need to be. I look at those pictures and I remember how unhappy miserable I was about my size. I kept only pictures that hid my true size. You cannot look at them and tell, but I know how big the shirt is.
I've been trying to figure out when the last time I was my current weight on a regular basis. In 2007, I had lost about 8 pounds to go on our first cruise, but that wasn't permanent. I'm thinking around 2004 could be the time frame. The next lower 10's digit, which is very close, hasn't been on my scale in a long time. 12's haven't graced this body for 10 years. They will again, soon, though.
My point is that I have to change what I wear in order for anyone to even notice a difference. If I kept wearing these oversize blouses, underneath will be getting smaller, but to the outside eye I will appear to be the same. I took all of my gigantic 1X shirt, blouses, and sweaters and boxed them up. I bagged them and began to wonder where bring them. I'm never going to be that size again. The following day my hairdresser posted a message about Operation NH Cares. My question was answered. A few days later I brought 3 large bags to donate to the NY/NJ relief. It felt so good to know that these clothes that I will never wear again would be going to someone who would need them.
This weekend, I repeated the process under a much smaller scale while I was trying on clothes. I had taken some holiday and dressier blouses off hangers and placed them in a kitchen size trash bag. I tried on one of my favorite Christmas blouses and stood staring in the mirror as I saw it had no shape whatsoever.
At work, I was asking a couple of my fellow drivers if they knew where I could donate clothing to a good cause. One of them has been battling cancer and I assume finances have probably been strained from missing work. She said that I could donate my size 16 jeans to her! During lunch, I found the bag in Mike's "office" and added all of the size 16 stretch jeans. They technically still fit because of the stretch, but are really starting to bag in the butt and the legs. I figured that if she can use them more than me, why not give them to her now? I can say with confidence that the 14's I'm wearing will be too big within time and be in a donation bag too!
In the past, I held onto clothing that was too big when I was dieting "Just In Case!" as my mother always said. For me, there is no "Just in Case!". I'm doing it. When I get to my goal weight, I will still be working out at the gym because I have discovered just how important it is. One of these days I may just venture into one of those classes!!
This morning's workout was quite frustrating! It started by me carrying my workout bag into the gym on my right shoulder. OUCH! Man did that Kill by the time I got to the locker room. I shook it off the best I could, put my cell phone in my arm band case, and headed off the women's workout room.
The first new exercise on the list was fairly easy to remember. The second one took me a while before I remembered what I was suppose to do. As I went down the list, I lost it! There was no recall in my brain on how to do any of the remaining exercises. Usually, I try to do my new exercises the day after meeting with the trainer so that I can reinforce what I've learned. Remember, I've never done this exercise thing before so it's ALL new to me! I tried not to be upset with myself. I took out another sheet of exercises to perform instead. Both of the other sheets required the BOSU ball which wasn't in the room. Sorry, but I get really irritated when people take things out of a workout room and don't return it. Why should I go searching for equipment and waste my precious workout time? UGH!
I decided to try the crunches without the BOSU. The first one KILLED my back. I found a round roll thing to use for support. The first round strained my back a bit, but I had to stop in the middle of the second round because it was just too painful. I did all of the exercises that don't require the BOSU ball then proceeded to the Cardio room. The StairMaster seemed to be shouting my name since I was unable to use it the last time because two were broken. One turn to the side sent pains down my lower spine. Upset, I got off the machine and went on the techno machine for 20 minutes. Stumbling blocks were in my way at every turn. A huge sigh of relief escaped me as I completed my workout and headed to the showers.
I tried. I didn't give up just because I didn't want to workout. I gave up because of the pain. I got a workout in, but far from the one that I really wanted! HUMM!
Thanks for reading today!