Monday, November 19, 2012
While I seem to have gotten down the physical part of my life and the weight loss, I have lost my emotional self. There are many reasons for this feeling of loss and helplessness. I know I cannot complain, yet here I am. I do not know anyone worse off than me. For one, I AM able to provide a roof to my daughter and myself. Not to mention heat, comfort, food, and some other wonderful things that would be a luxury to some. Yet here I go and complain about how I'm so tired of being strong and being sought as a strong person. I have reached the end of my own rope and the lies. I'm exhausted and tired of being seen as a strong person. I do not feel it. I find myself pushing myself in exercise to hide these feelings and only hurting myself in the end by ignoring the truth. I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok financially, that I'm ok with sharing custody with my ex, that I'm ok with not having my daughter for an extended period of time, tired of pretending pretty much. I'm tired. So what would I tell myself when i was tired of being fat? I joined sparkpeople.Then what did it take? It took months of figuring out how the calories worked, the fat, the protein, how to manage my portions, all that stuff. Yes it took me 3 months. Not only that, I was recovering from pneumonia, so exercise was on a standstill. Thankfully I had wonderful people in my life to direct me. Then, the exercise was worked in while I looked for work after graduating. Then it was the stress of finding work before the $$ ran out. That happened, then it was all about making $$ and simply meeting my physical goals. I pretended that my emotions were ok and kept trudging. THen the physical goals were met. Then my life continued as a routine of working out, seeing how I maintained, pretending I was content with it all. Then the rest of the world's stressors came upon me and have been here for months with me ignoring them intensely. Now here I am, bursting at the seams as I was when I joined Sparkpeople, tired of waking up with an aching body and being fat.
Does this mean that this blog is the start of a good year of making over of who I am emotionally and hopefully growing up in the world of finances and finding that happy place? Or am I seeking something I cannot reach? WHy the hell am I posting this so publicly? Maybe to hold me accountable to it and make it a reality so I cannot shy away from it as I did with my physical self. I have no idea why I'm doing it. Maybe I'm tired of being quiet and pretending. Maybe I'm ready to say I'm exhausted and I have lost the strength and I need help. Maybe it is the first step towards growth and making the reality change to something better. Because the only way is facing the reality and the sadness that invades you, whatever it is. I have conquered one sadness. While I am still working on certain parts, I am at that happy place, so now I suppose it is time to focus on the other parts that have been oh so neglected.
I do hope that the positiveness and wonderfulness that I believe in Sparkpeople and it's ideas, what I took from it all, transfers to this other portion of my life. While I do not think that things stop, I know that I do need an overhaul of a transformation in other aspects of my life that I have neglected while focusing on my physical self.
I will probably feel silly and stupid later for posting this publicly. I am a private person, but some things have to be shoved publicly to make it change and I need some serious changes. This should become a motivation to make these things happen, so that I do not feel that the strength I am portraying is a burden but something wonderful and inspiring. Sadly, right now, I am tired of it. Being a single mother is hard, and I have no IDEA how my own mother did it. I have no idea how some of you single mothers out there do it. Maybe you are truly just stronger, which is wonderful! I praise you for you strength and resilience.
Alright, I've rambled on and on and on about the same old darn thing. Have a great day and I hope for a new start to a step towards the correct direction. At least one step forward would be awesometastic.