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Thanksgiving letter to my family ... 2012

Monday, November 19, 2012

Dear Family,

Iím not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. Arrive late and you get whatís leftover.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be
from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You donít arrive at someoneís house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God I thought you might have learned after two wives Ė date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you donít know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but Iíll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:
The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

TheĒ no cans for kidsĒ rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a childís cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and Iíll be paying close attention to refills.

Cloe, last year we were at Trudyís house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time honey. Youíve never been a good cook and you shouldnít bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the HEB bakery.

Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your childrenís can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

I cook with bacon and bacon grease. Thatís nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesnít change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. Thatís why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthyÖ look at me. Iíve outlived almost everyone I know.

Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I donít put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and Iíll watch my things.

Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You donít need to bring anything means you donít need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really. This doesnít have to be difficult.

Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and itís true now that you have kids.

Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

The election is over so Iíll watch what I say and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, weíll have a good time. If not, Iíll still have a good time but it will be at your expense.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver. I mean it really.

And, YES, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSDAISY23 11/27/2012 10:39AM

    emoticon rules! emoticon
Hope you have had a great Thanksgiving! Just trying to catch up with everyone blogs.
Take care and have a fabulous day! emoticon
emoticon

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ORODEO73 11/21/2012 8:46AM

    Wow! You cant get more cler than that! Great!

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SLIMMERJESSE 11/20/2012 5:41PM

    I love this! You sound like my kind of gal. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

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PHEBESS 11/20/2012 5:41PM

    LOL!!!!

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CATLADY52 11/20/2012 5:38PM

    Very good advice. If it is followed that makes it exceptional advice. emoticon

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FRAN0426 11/20/2012 5:19PM

    I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with all of your relatives, AND that they all behave and follow the rules.

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NIGHTSKYSTAR 11/20/2012 12:07PM

    lol love it!! especially the political part. rule at my house is..you leave it at the door..NO political talk in my house when there is "mixed" company. Thanksgiving should be a happy time not a fist fight..lmao!!

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HHB4181 11/20/2012 12:03PM

    Great post! so funny! good for you!

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DIET_FRIEND 11/20/2012 9:16AM

    Have a great thanksgiving and I hope everyone minds their manners!


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L1ZB3TH354 11/20/2012 8:41AM

    emoticon

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GRAMMAP1 11/19/2012 11:18PM

    I asm sure that was written by an experienced Hostess. So much of that was applicable in the many years, the Family came home. Gopod luck..Families think rules are cruel. Believe me, I liked them! emoticon

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GRAMMAP1 11/19/2012 11:18PM

    I asm sure that was written by an experienced Hostess. So much of that was applicable in the many years, the Family came home. Gopod luck..Families think rules are cruel. Believe me, I liked them! emoticon

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KADYSMOM11 11/19/2012 11:17PM

    LOL So cute! If I only had the courage to send it out! emoticon

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ARUSHING2 11/19/2012 9:52PM

 
Explicitly clear - no questions and no misunderstandings.

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BLUENOSE63 11/19/2012 9:51PM

  This is a great blog....best thing I have read in ages! Thanks for posting.....I am going to use some of those phrases at our next family dinner at my SIL's house

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