Monday, November 19, 2012
As the title says today is my 3 year anniversary of being cancer free. In 2010 on this day I underwent a body scan after radiation treatment and surgery to remove my thyroid and the lymph nodes that the cancer spread to and received the news that I was clear. While on the one hand it's great to say I'm cancer free I wonder if it will be easier to accept and trust when I hit the 5 year mark or the 10 year mark? That makes me sound ungrateful and I'm not.....I'm so grateful to be able to say that I'm a survivor of cancer I just wonder when I won't constantly be looking over my shoulder (metaphorically that is).
I think I've decided to drop that class IF the professor does not change back to the one I registered for. There is no sense in me taking this class and stressing myself out with a professor that I'm not terribly thrilled about. I feel at peace about the decision and a lot less stressed/angry. Maybe it's some divine sign that taking the load I had planned on is entirely too much for me right now.
The last 2 weekends I've had coffee dates with my estranged husband and they have actually gone really well. We have really talked for the first time all year. There was no animosity in the meetings AND no miscommunications. I don't know if we will be able to save our marriage but even if we can't hopefully we can remain friendly. It's also nice to actually see him living a sober lifestyle. I've never had a problem with alcohol so I don't really get the need to get drunk.....don't get me wrong I'll drink my share of wine or other spirits BUT I don't usually have more than 2 and will go months without drinking at all.
So far I have managed to keep my abstinent streak going. I'm either 22 or 29 days in but am not entirely sure which. Regardless it's a huge deal because that means I have survived 3 weekends without purging. I need to maintain a streak of 6 months in order to join a recovery organization on campus that I want to join. However, when I think about 6 months it scares the heck out of me and so I have to try and stay focused on the current day I'm in. Only way I'm going to get there is one day at a time. My recovery coach is also becoming my sponsor and we are going to work on the 12 steps (same as AA but I am doing them for an eating disorder group) and I'm a little nervous about that. I think I can handle the being rigorously honest part of things but Idk about the higher power part of things. I'm also a little concerned about being too needy and my sponsor/coach is SOOOO busy. She and I are planning on doing dinner together this weekend and I'm excited but at the same time kind of anxious. There is going to be SOOOOOOOO much food around this week and as you can imagine it's really difficult for someone with an eating disorder to cope with the holidays.
My body is currently trying to fight off a cold or something. Trying to take it easy and get lots of rest AND study. My final is next Tuesday and I'm really scared about it. Luckily today was a short day at work and so are the next 2 and then I'll have a long weekend. Heading to bed to see if I can speed up the recovery process by staying rested.
Things I'm grateful for today:
seat warmers in my car
short work days
fire in the fireplace
Today is my 3 yr anniversary of being cancer free!!!