Monday, November 19, 2012
It was late Saturday night and just hours before I had been sitting on the couch ready to fall asleep, watching a movie in my sweatpants. My sister invited me over to watch the fight and I figured why the heck not. On the way home from her house, a good friend of mine asked me to meet him at a bar near my house. We've been good friends since high school and still see each other frequently. We never, ever have a bad time, even if it's just us two. Still wearing sweatpants, hair all crazy, I rushed home to change. I spent a total of 10 minutes getting ready but when I looked in the mirror I felt great. I looked great. I was glowing. I just felt happier than I had in a long time.
The best part was that I wasn't even worried about seeing my ex with cheater girl. It was not too long ago that I wouldn't even go out near my home because I was terrified to see him. For the first time since we broke-up, I didn't really care. I knew it wouldn't bother me anymore. I didn't even look for her truck in the parking lot when I got to the bar. When I saw my friend, he was so happy to see me. I could feel men looking at me as a I walked by. It made me nervous at first because for the past six months, I've done everything to hide from and be invisible to the opposite sex. But I just relaxed and let it all happen. I felt at peace, at ease and 100 percent comfortable in my own skin. This made me immensely happy because I felt like all the hard work I have been doing inside myself was finally shining through. And all of sudden I just felt sexy. I felt desirable. I felt like a woman again. That must have come across because two men asked for my phone number Saturday night. lol.
I had totally lost touch with that part of myself in my past relationship. First, because I gained weight. Second, because my ex made comments about my looks, saying men would only ever want me for sex and never a relationship because I'm sexy and not the girl next door. (He of course cast himself in the role of the one nice guy who was seeing past that and taking me seriously.) He often implied I was a slut too because I have a lot of male friends and a less than virgin past. His first thing to say when we fought was "Why don't you just go (bleep) someone else. That's probably what you are going to do anyway." I never cheated on him. Ever. I was faithful in every sense of the word. I didn't even flirt with other men.
After he cheated, I just really shut that part of myself down. Just stuffed her away and tried to be plain so I could be taken seriously. But, as many of you are probably saying in your head right now, that was stupid. She would not die and refused to be forgotten. She wanted out because she is me. That's who I am. I can't help it. I've always been a woman comfortable with that part of herself. I've always felt like as a woman I could be smart, fun, loyal, loving AND sexy. That they are all important for a healthy and happy life. I see now that my ex was projecting his own insecurities onto me.
I just feel like something has shifted in me. I don't know how or why or even when. All I know is the past few weeks I've noticed I'm no longer angry and hating the world. I've stopped fantasizing about a bus running over my ex and my money problems now seem manageable. Maybe it was finally seeing my ex with cheater girl, forcing me to face my worst fear. Maybe it was reaching rock bottom and coming up with a plan to claw my way back up. Maybe it was giving myself permission to quit this journey and realizing I didn't want or need to do that.
All I know is that not one time since the break up and the three months before that have I felt sexy or even attractive. I haven't had many positive thoughts about myself overall. I mean people have told me I'm great and how losing weight was a big deal or I'm a good mom or I did a great job at work. It wasn't that I thought all these people were lying, I just didn't believe it meant I was worth anything because frankly I felt like nothing. Cheating will do that to a person no matter how much self esteem you had at the start.
And now here I am feeling better than I ever have in my life. I'm pretty sure I never would have turned this corner if I hadn't committed myself to living a healthier life. I'm finally seeing the benefits and it's not just physical. It's internal. Somehow those hours of exercise train not only your body, but your mind. I'm so thankful for this turn of events. So relieved. You guys have all been a big part of that. Thanks for cheering me on and hopefully sticking around as I continue along.