That awful moment..
Monday, November 19, 2012
When you realize that you don't even want to leave the house anymore because you gained 48 pounds in the matter of a few months. Oh... my... gosh what have I done.
It started back in May when I got that apprenticeship and was never home. It seemed harmless enough, I only gained about 15 pounds back. Fast forward to November and I've gone from 184 pounds to 232. Oh... frick. None of my skinny clothes fit, my fat clothes are tight, and no matter what I do, I can't get back on track. I'm addicted to junk food and soda again. What the hell. I knew how amazing I felt, how proud I was... why did I let this happen? I don't even want to see my friends anymore because how embarrassing is it for them to see that I gained all the weight back plus more? Plus all the events coming up... Thanksgiving (which is being spent with my boyfriend and his family, oh look it's the fat girlfriend!), my birthday (which is on the 28th and I had planned to be at my goal weight by then, oops), Christmas (look it's the fat girl eating holiday food!), and the new year (provided the world doesn't end, I'm starting another year as a fat ass, dammit!)... and I don't want to face any of it. It's a horrid feeling to realize that I started this journey over a year ago, made amazing progress, and then lost it all and am now even higher in weight than I was a year ago. Crap. Seriously, crap is all I can think of to say. I wish I could say I don't know how it happened. I mean, obviously it happened because I've been cramming food down my throat in obscene quantities, but why? What made me snap and lose control? My own parents must be so ashamed. They were so thrilled that I was finally losing the weight and they praised me for it, saying they barely even recognized me anymore (in a great way, because I was shrinking). Oh hey mom and dad, sorry I'm fat again. Fatter than before actually! What happened? I have no FKN idea. I've been trying for weeks now to get back into the groove. I'll eat good for most of the day and then all of a sudden snap and start eating everything or grab some soda and start drinking it. I'll work out for like 2 days and then stop. I don't even have the desire to do... anything. It's like, if I couldn't even maintain the 37 pound loss that I had attained (221 to 184) then how am I supposed to maintain a huge loss if I reached my goal?
I don't know if I believe in anything anymore. I just don't know what to do. This is the lowest of the low. I haven't weighed this much in 3 years. What do I do?