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    WHOVIANGIRL23   23,666
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That awful moment..

Monday, November 19, 2012

When you realize that you don't even want to leave the house anymore because you gained 48 pounds in the matter of a few months. Oh... my... gosh what have I done.

It started back in May when I got that apprenticeship and was never home. It seemed harmless enough, I only gained about 15 pounds back. Fast forward to November and I've gone from 184 pounds to 232. Oh... frick. None of my skinny clothes fit, my fat clothes are tight, and no matter what I do, I can't get back on track. I'm addicted to junk food and soda again. What the hell. I knew how amazing I felt, how proud I was... why did I let this happen? I don't even want to see my friends anymore because how embarrassing is it for them to see that I gained all the weight back plus more? Plus all the events coming up... Thanksgiving (which is being spent with my boyfriend and his family, oh look it's the fat girlfriend!), my birthday (which is on the 28th and I had planned to be at my goal weight by then, oops), Christmas (look it's the fat girl eating holiday food!), and the new year (provided the world doesn't end, I'm starting another year as a fat ass, dammit!)... and I don't want to face any of it. It's a horrid feeling to realize that I started this journey over a year ago, made amazing progress, and then lost it all and am now even higher in weight than I was a year ago. Crap. Seriously, crap is all I can think of to say. I wish I could say I don't know how it happened. I mean, obviously it happened because I've been cramming food down my throat in obscene quantities, but why? What made me snap and lose control? My own parents must be so ashamed. They were so thrilled that I was finally losing the weight and they praised me for it, saying they barely even recognized me anymore (in a great way, because I was shrinking). Oh hey mom and dad, sorry I'm fat again. Fatter than before actually! What happened? I have no FKN idea. I've been trying for weeks now to get back into the groove. I'll eat good for most of the day and then all of a sudden snap and start eating everything or grab some soda and start drinking it. I'll work out for like 2 days and then stop. I don't even have the desire to do... anything. It's like, if I couldn't even maintain the 37 pound loss that I had attained (221 to 184) then how am I supposed to maintain a huge loss if I reached my goal?

I don't know if I believe in anything anymore. I just don't know what to do. This is the lowest of the low. I haven't weighed this much in 3 years. What do I do?
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ABEAUTIFULMESS1 11/20/2012 12:38PM

    I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now!! I have definitely felt that way before too! In 2008 I had gone from 308 down to 284 (which granted, I had a ways to go, but I had FINALLY gotten below 300....) then almost a year ago I weighed myself (after having seen my weight creep back up over the years at the dr's office) and I was almost 340... I felt SOOOO horrible and ashamed and felt like I had let my parents down as well as myself. I've been struggling the last several months (basically since May) to stay on track and have been basically yo-yoing since then... Just take a day or two to write some new goals and start fresh- you can do it!!!!

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NOMORENOMORE 11/19/2012 6:39PM

    Hey! Stop beating yourself up over it! You don't owe it to your parents to lose weight, you owe it to yourself to get healthy.

I just went through the same thing. It felt like I was reading something I wrote. I ate my way from a size 14 to a size 18 (tight) from May to November. I ate anything I wanted and as much as I wanted-all delicious, greasy, sweet, fat ass foods. I look at myself in the mirror and feel the shame; don't want to be seen, etc.

I used food as a way to self soothe-to numb myself. And it worked while I was shoving it down my face. But after, I felt HORRIBLE.

I'm no expert-I've only been sparking since November 1 ;) . I'm looking at this as a life change. Instead of using food to self soothe, I'm trying other things. Take a peek at the suggestions on this link.
http://www.eatingdisorderh
ope.com/recovery/self-help-tool
s-skills-tips/self-soothing-adv
ice

And, give yourself a hug!
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