I don't know what my hang up is lately. I've been having serious emotional eating issues. I mean crazy issues. My eating has been so disordered that I can't bear to put it on the screen. I haven't had a huge problem with exercise. Just eating.

I know my desire to eat is not stemming from hunger. It isn't the typical late night, in front of the boob tube munch fest. I think they are coming from feelings of deprivation. Make no mistake. I am not in any way actually deprived.

I've also been feeling this huge pressure (since the beginning of my journey) to reach Onederland by the end of the year. As we get ever closer to the "end of the year," the feelings of disappointment and anxiety have increased. Please don't lecture me on this. I know. However, it doesn't change how I have in fact been feeling, no matter how irrationally. First, I gave up on my goal of Onederland by Dec 31. It became unrealistic. Then I decided to change the weight, but keep the date. So, I decided 20 pounds by December 21. My calorie range is too dang low. Let me clarify. Too dang low for me to maintain my freakin' sanity. 1200-1500 calories makes me want to pull my hair out. And eat everything and everyone in sight. It's not because I'm actually hungry. It's about options. I emotionally need options. If it gets to the point that I HAVE to eat 1200-1500 a day to lose weight, I'm totally screwed.

I updated my goals. 50 pounds by mid-June. I don't know that that is what will fix what ails me, but I'm going to give it a try. Right now I'm bare-knuckling it and I don't like it.