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    RAZRBKMOM   2,157
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at a loss...

Monday, November 19, 2012

If you have been keeping up you know I just got my oldest out of jail ... Well here is how the weekend went...

We were invited to a good friends Friday night to eat shrimp and crab legs...Me & both boys went. When it was time to go home, I went in, took my purse to my room, said good night to the boys and went to sleep.

Saturday ... I was just glad everyone was home and I didn't have to get up early, piddled around watched the AR game, then decided it was time for Wal-Mart...I HATE that place...but I went....I got the usual buggy full, got to the check out and reached into my purse to get my wallet....THERE WAS NO MONEY...I wanted to crawl into a hole...I headed home. Jason wasn't there, Tyler was. I asked Tyler if he knew anything...he didn't. He usually doesn't. I just went to my room and tried to figure out how I was going to feed us this week and what I was going to do about the bill that was due....

Jason came in long enough to tell me his plans then out the door -- before I could even say a word to him.

Sunday...I had set up a meeting for Jason to see his daughter who he hadn't seen in almost a yr. While we were at the park, I noticed a tattoo on his neck, then he turned to me I noticed 2 more, and thought I saw a 3rd. GUESS THIS EXPLAINS WHERE MY PAYCHECK WENT......I was so mad, and I knew IF I said anything I would get the same ol answer I always did... He has yet to admit to taking anything from me...this wouldn't be the exception to the rule...I asked him and he blew up on me. I am not stupid, I know you don't get tattoos for free. Then he told me Tyler went with him when he got them...that means he had to have gotten them Friday night. I was so mad. I still am. I love my son, but I can NOT go back thru him stealing and lying to me. I am the only one who came and saw him in jail, the only one that put money on his books so he could have things he needed there, the only one that ever went to court with him, the only one that gave him a place to stay, and he repays me this way...

I feel like such a failure as a mother. I don't know where I went wrong. How do you spend 9 months in jail and are on probatation for 10 have thousands of dollars worth of fines, and not learn a lesson. Am I wrong for being so upset I want him gone? Am I wrong for not being able to trust him? Am I wrong for not wanting him to influence his 16 yr old brother who idolizes him? How do I do this again and not lose my mind?
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RAZRBKMOM 11/19/2012 5:24PM

    Thank You Nesarin!! I have called and left a message for his parole officer, and I know that is asking for him to get mad...but I can't go there again. Yes there was drug usage when he was a young teen and I didn't realize that would arrest their brain development. I knew it would kill brain cells, but that seems to explain a LOT. I don't think I have ever had anyone break it down to me like that before. I just am feeling really overwhelmed. I was scared for him to come home, because I wasn't sure if he was ready to be home. Even tho he isn't hanging out with some of the old friends, he is still clinging to a few. He has been told they are not welcome at my house. But to take every dime I had just threw me. Not to mention left me totally humiliated at WM...I just am scared the 16 will try to follow in his brothers footsteps, I see some of it in attitude since brother has been home. Grades are slipping, and that isn't acceptable...I really want to run away from home...and if I thought it would help, I would!!!
Thank You again...

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NESARIAN 11/19/2012 3:23PM

    He has a parole officer, right? Talk to the parole officer. I interned in a juvenile prison facility and worked in the residential (inpatient lodge) and these boys made the same mistakes over and over and seemingly did not connect to the fact they were even making a mistake. While I was in mental health and trained differently than the parole officers, having them on my treatment teams offered insight into others ways to manage such misbehavior.
Setting cement solid boundaries with stated consequences in writing and his signature to the agreement and consequences will guide you both. He fails and he cannot live there anymore. His parole officer can guide you and offer advice on what to have in the agreement and consequences.
The human brain does not develop fully til age 25. If any substance abuse has occurred, the brain development will halt at the age the abuse started. This arrested development will alter his choices/comprehension. This is not an excuse for his behavior. It just may help you understand some odd choices he makes.
You may not realistically be able to do anything for him but you do have a 16 year- old son that does not need to go down that road so get help for him now.
Tough love is the best you can do now. His parole officer will be well versed in these techniques so talk to them and ask for help.
I wish you the best. You do not have to live like this or put up with his abuse. Please ask for help.

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LIVELONG58 11/19/2012 2:32PM

    Sounds like you are in a real pickle, sometimes the best thing you can do for them is to let them learn by their own mistakes. I would let him know you do not trust him, trust is earned.
I think the best thing you could do is set him free and make him accountable for himself. Easier said than done I know. If he is staying in your house he needs to earn his keep, what kind of work do you need done in his house? Rents expensive...make him earn it. It will give him a sense of self respect too.

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HELLENACKERMAN 11/19/2012 1:30PM

    YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!! You raised your children in every best way possible and he is the one that has chosen to over look the good sense you gave him! I have younger step children so I don't know how I would react in this situation but I can tell you in my mind I would be throwing that man out and/or calling the cops. I know it's hard to do that to someone you love, especially a child of yours, but sometimes a person has to loose everything around them to hit rock bottom and realize how good they actually had it!

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KICK-BUTT-MAMA 11/19/2012 1:29PM

    I don't have any real advice, my kiddos are still little. But all you can do is love him! That doesn't mean you have to approve of what he does and you certainly don't have to let me live with you. But just love him! I'm sorry that you're going through this!

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