Monday, November 19, 2012
Hard to lose and easy to gain.
Story of a good percentage of our lives!
So no, this isn't a pity party or a complaint blog. Well, I mean, I had the pity party (I set a timer for myself and let myself have x amount of time, then I move on) and I have the complaints. But this blog is more an exploratory what I need to do next based on the complaints.
I continue to struggle with some massive insecurity issues from years ago that were heavily revisited with the ex (along with a gain of new ones) and they just keep popping back up.
I have a tendency to "face" them for a short time, but don't really seem to be actually dealing with them in a way that has a lasting effect.
Upshot is? As arrogant as I can be, I'm really pretty insecure. I'm really good at putting on the confident face, but let's get real... I'm not. I have moments where I feel great and all, but generally speaking, I'm pretty insecure and I beat myself up. I have rarely, if ever, admitted to being overall insecure, so maybe that's a start. I have, on numerous occasions, admitted I'm terrible to myself. And I am. I set horribly high expectations that are literally impossible to meet. I'm not saying I shouldn't set limits high, but these are... Freaking Mother Teresa, Ghandi, Jesus, couldn't reach them type.
And I tend to take things kind of personally these days. Perfect example is last night. I was "with" a guy and we were chilling a bit post chitty chitty bang bang. He showed me a pic he'd posted on facebook (no, we aren't friends on there) and then showed me a post from a friend who has a boyfriend... He mentioned that this friend had wanted a good guy and managed to find one, even with insecurities. He mentioned that while she's a little heavyset, it's not like she's not a cool girl.
One that brought back memories of when the emotionally abusive ex called an ex of his a cow and she was skinnier than me, so hello direct correlation of I was too fat for him, so hi connecting insecurities. And two... Yeah, this chick, at least based on a few pictures, was taller and skinnier. And yea. I took that personally. I didn't say anything. This isn't "that" type of relationship. But it did make me feel like crap. And so I still struggle to not take things personally, because honestly, he probably didn't even think about who he might be talking to or how I might feel about that.
So I'm not sure what I need to do about all of these insecurities to be honest. I'm not sure if there are guiding questions I can answer through personal or on here blogging, or if I just write when I feel the need, or talk it out... Money is still just not really there for the therapy option, so this continues to be a I need to work through this on my own.
So I'm trying to think of options of what I can and am able to do to work on some of these issues, so I don't keep doing the fall back of horrible habits and continuous feeling bad about myself.