15,000-19,999 SparkPoints 16,209

Day 153: Finally feeling real

Monday, November 19, 2012

Good morning everyone!

Just a relatively quick blog today because I'm still SWAMPED at work.

Had the strangest feeling last night. I turned over, went to scratch my back and came to a realization - there wasn't a roll where there was supposed to be one. This was the most surreal experience I've had in ages. The sort of feeling like "Huh."

It actually gave me pause.

There are bits of my body that I kind of 'check' if you know what I mean. I pinch the fat at my back just below my ribs. I feel the 'dent' in my thigh and the crease at my hips. I run my fingers along beneath my chin.

I'm measuring.

It sounds kind of creepy to admit to, though.

I mean, those are the places that I notice. The bits of myself where I wish I had less bits.

And I am.

I never thought I'd have less fat anywhere. I mean, it's one thing for my clothes not to fit (something I so desperately want to blame on their wearing out); but, it's another to not be able to physically grab places like I used to.

So, I guess I'm saying that it's finally starting to feel like I'm making progress. Physical progress. Visible progress. Like it or not, though, I still feel like I weigh 230 pounds. I still feel like I'm the size of someone who ought to be wearing a size 20 but squeezes into a size 18. I still feel obese. I still feel too 'big.'

I wonder when that feeling will go away.

So, on today's episode of 'Airing our Insecurities...'

I hope all of you have a fantastic day. If you're having unseasonably warm weather (like I am!) I hope you get to go out and enjoy it!

Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1. I don't care what size you claim to be-- you are toning up and swimming in old shirts, remember ?!
    2. Self-exploration can be good. It's like a more challenging NSV. Not feeling a roll,HECK YEAH!!!!!!
    3. You are a wonderfully inspirational RUNNER whose dedicated to self-improvement and apparently self-groping! LOL!!!!

    Enjoy your run!
    1945 days ago
    Hey, I grope myself all over, too! Totally sounds indecent. I have my hot spots that I keep checking as well. I think that handful of calf or thigh is one of the reasons I still feel like I used to, even though I know I've changed a ton. I'm totally there with you! I feel the same way sometimes. You are awesome and look great!
    1946 days ago
    I have a hard time with it too, but it's mostly me thinking what I think OTHER people think. I still assume everyone sees me as huge,
    1946 days ago
    I struggle to get my head round it too. A couple of times I've looked at pretty tops and thought 'that will NEVER fit me', then I tried them on and they were fine.
    I'm hoping it'll just take a while for the brain to catch up with the body, wouldn't it be weird to always think you were bigger than you actually are.
    1946 days ago
    Hey even with a lot of weight off I can still grab onto some fat rolls. I just wish I could pull them right off. No matter that my arms and legs are thinner and thinner those little spare tires in the middle hang on for dear life. So, you are just part of big club of people that like to pinch and inch or two. It is nice to see less of ourselves or feel less of ourselves however it happens. Congratulations. emoticon
    1946 days ago
    Although not everyone will admit it, I think everyone pinches their fat in certain places. It's great that you feel like you making progress but remember, there is a lot of ways to measure progress. Changes in habits and thinking is progress even if you don't see it on the scale right away. Also, preventing health conditions like heart disease, diabetes, etc is also great progress. Even when we can't see things on the outside, that doesn't mean you hard work isn't paying off inside.

    Still, I can relate to wanted to lose weight for the vanity reasons as well. emoticon emoticon

    Congrats on seeing progress. :)

    emoticon emoticon
    1946 days ago
    I have noticed some toning, things feeling firmer than they did before. I love it!
    Have a great day!
    1946 days ago
    I do it too. When I'm laying on my side, I always put my hand on my hip and stretch it across my stomach to feel how much jiggle is still there. It doesn't seem real to me mst of the time either. Yay us.
    1946 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.