Sunday, November 18, 2012
Today I weighed in at 230.5 pounds. I am 1 pound heavier this week. While I know I should not be critical of myself...I have to be. If I'm not, I will remain severly over weight, and probobly get diabetes and sick. After tens of maybe even hundreds of times at trying to lose weight, I continue to fail. Why is this? Is it because I don't love my body? Is it because I am lazy? Is it because I don't love myself? Whyyy? Why am I like this? On the inside lies a sexy woman, but on the outside is a fat, pathetic, sad, depressed woman. I long to be sexy. I long to look good. Hell, I have pictures all over my house of models that I want to look like. But..for some reason, I never seem to get an inch closer to my goals. I am very sad about this. I do not know what to do. Why do I stop when I know I should keep going? Why do I feel so bad all the time anymore? I think it may be because the amount of weight I need to lose that it's just so overwhelming. But, I can't blame it on that anymore, esp when there was a time when I only had 50 pounds to lose and couldn't do it. I could write and write and write about my sadness and my loss of myself. I want so badly to be thin and to feel good and to look good and be more confident, but I just never continue to go down that path. Is it my husband, who could care less if he changes? Is it my daughter who I am sad for? What is it? Probobly a little of both, I guess. - All I know is, I do have the power to do this. Even if it means all by myself. Even if it means eating a different dinner than my family. Sure, I know that my family should eat what I'm eating. But to be honest, right now, I don't have the strength or power in myself to argue about my food choices or my "fad." - I suppose, after a little reflection, that my childhood, my family, and my husbands family has a lot to do with my sadness. Do you see the repetition? FAMILY ruins it for me. I hate family. Sorry, don't mean to be negative, but traditionally all they do is cause sadness and bitterness in my life. - I get energy motivation spurts from time to time that say, "YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS. THIS WILL HAPPEN." And then it never happens. I actually gain weight and the following week I just feel more crappy, and more tired, and more crabby, and more depressed then I did the week before. I am on a self-destructive path, and some days I just don't have the strength or energy to fix it. I will make my goals and list them on my page. I will do everything I can to stick to them, even though its Thanksgiving this week. I will excercise, regardless of the time of day (just to get myself going.) Maybe I should change my weight timeline, and try for 5 pounds at a time so I don't get so overwhelmed. - I will also try my best to stick to the sparkpeople diet. I will have to change quite a bit, but I will write down what they recommend, so I can do this quickly. I have goals, which I always have. But now I just have to stick to them long term, which I never do. Get rid of the "noise" around me, and DO THIS! Everyone has problems. I am like no other in that way. I can DO THIS!