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Tired of being fat, tired of being sad

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Today I weighed in at 230.5 pounds. I am 1 pound heavier this week. While I know I should not be critical of myself...I have to be. If I'm not, I will remain severly over weight, and probobly get diabetes and sick. After tens of maybe even hundreds of times at trying to lose weight, I continue to fail. Why is this? Is it because I don't love my body? Is it because I am lazy? Is it because I don't love myself? Whyyy? Why am I like this? On the inside lies a sexy woman, but on the outside is a fat, pathetic, sad, depressed woman. I long to be sexy. I long to look good. Hell, I have pictures all over my house of models that I want to look like. But..for some reason, I never seem to get an inch closer to my goals. I am very sad about this. I do not know what to do. Why do I stop when I know I should keep going? Why do I feel so bad all the time anymore? I think it may be because the amount of weight I need to lose that it's just so overwhelming. But, I can't blame it on that anymore, esp when there was a time when I only had 50 pounds to lose and couldn't do it. I could write and write and write about my sadness and my loss of myself. I want so badly to be thin and to feel good and to look good and be more confident, but I just never continue to go down that path. Is it my husband, who could care less if he changes? Is it my daughter who I am sad for? What is it? Probobly a little of both, I guess. - All I know is, I do have the power to do this. Even if it means all by myself. Even if it means eating a different dinner than my family. Sure, I know that my family should eat what I'm eating. But to be honest, right now, I don't have the strength or power in myself to argue about my food choices or my "fad." - I suppose, after a little reflection, that my childhood, my family, and my husbands family has a lot to do with my sadness. Do you see the repetition? FAMILY ruins it for me. I hate family. Sorry, don't mean to be negative, but traditionally all they do is cause sadness and bitterness in my life. - I get energy motivation spurts from time to time that say, "YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS. THIS WILL HAPPEN." And then it never happens. I actually gain weight and the following week I just feel more crappy, and more tired, and more crabby, and more depressed then I did the week before. I am on a self-destructive path, and some days I just don't have the strength or energy to fix it. I will make my goals and list them on my page. I will do everything I can to stick to them, even though its Thanksgiving this week. I will excercise, regardless of the time of day (just to get myself going.) Maybe I should change my weight timeline, and try for 5 pounds at a time so I don't get so overwhelmed. - I will also try my best to stick to the sparkpeople diet. I will have to change quite a bit, but I will write down what they recommend, so I can do this quickly. I have goals, which I always have. But now I just have to stick to them long term, which I never do. Get rid of the "noise" around me, and DO THIS! Everyone has problems. I am like no other in that way. I can DO THIS! emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I think the 5 pound at a time goal is good and less overwelming. emoticon emoticon
    1951 days ago
    THANK YOU SO MUCH!! emoticon
    1952 days ago
    Remember we are all in this together. You can do this, with our help. emoticon emoticon
    1952 days ago
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