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    LILAC_LANE   17,442
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Struggling


Sunday, November 18, 2012

It's been over 3 weeks since I've updated my blog.
I am slowly recovering from my surgery, and I am
doing better physically. I can't say the same for my emotional health.
The holidays are the most stressful time of the year for me.
I have been fighting the urge to diet (and even purge at times)
for about 2-3 weeks now. Dieting is incompatible with recovering from an
eating disorder. I know that I can not diet if I want to get better and be free
of all my eating issues.

I'm 5'5 and 138 ponds, and I've finally come to realize that I don't need to
lose any more weight, and I don't have to keep trying to get the perfect body,
because there is no such thing as a perfect body. But when I see a magazine
cover or an article on weight loss it seems to trigger the urge to diet and it is
mentally draining. It's the reason why I haven't spent much time on Sparks
lately. I miss all my SP friends, but sometimes when I'm surfing around the
Sparks site I end up struggling even more. I'm hoping my brain and emotions
will calm down once the holidays are over.

I'm journaling and writing down what I eat, but I quit looking at calories and
nutrition info on the packaged food unless I'm looking at protein or iron content.
I'm still struggling with the scale and weighing everyday.
I really need take a vacation from my scale. I know it is making things worse,
but it is a very bad habit that I can't seem to break.

I guess I just wanted to let my SP friends know that I miss all of you
and I'm just working through some stuff right now.

Hugs,
Lilac
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
OOLALA53 11/30/2012 12:28AM

    I shouldn't be comparing myself but I would have to weigh 14 lbs. less than I do to be as thin as you are. That stirs something in me, but I know I don't believe I overeat unreasonably and I won't be sucked in. It certainly isn't anything you would recommend.

When you're ready for another book that might help keep the inner eye expectations shaken up, try The Beauty Myth. It's a bit heavy on some feminist interpretation of some issues, but also very thought provoking. Just think what life would be like without mirrors or photography... To think that so much of our lives revolve around an issue that would be hard to sustain without them. I have pretty much weaned myself off magazines, but I still like TV and movies and they give a very narrow vision of what women should look like.

I understand your needing not to be here so much. Thank you for checking in! emoticon

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ANGRITTER 11/20/2012 8:48PM

    I hope you are feeling better soon and everything falls into place for you. it's miserable being down and limited in what you can do. Just imagine that energy bursting from you once you are all healed!

Gentle hugs,
Angela

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SERENEART 11/20/2012 6:40PM

    I have missed you too. I have been struggling also. Take it easy. emoticon

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DEDICATED2HIM 11/20/2012 5:28PM

    hi Joy....i've been missing you too. I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling. It is good to write about your struggles --both to get support, but also advice and prayers. I will commit to pray for you for the next week. I will lift you up daily. Hang in there. HOlidays are hard on a lot of us for various reasons. TRy to find small pleasures in each day and don't allow yourself to indulge in any "stinkin' thinkin'" stay focused. Journal....and take it moment by moment if you have to.
Here a big emoticon Remember, I've got your back.
Cynthia

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RISINGBLUESTAR 11/20/2012 2:08AM

    I am glad you are recovering from surgery. I am sorry you are struggling a lot.

I definitely understand magazines being a trigger. It's good to keep in mind that those women are airbrushed & the photos are manipulated to make them look "perfect" but you are right, there is no such thing as a perfect body. Throw those magazines out. If you don't buy them and you just see them when you are standing in line at the store, remember that those images weren't created by people who have a healthy mindset or who have our health in mind.

You have put so much work into this & we are all very proud of the work you have done & continue to do. Just deciding to tackle this problem is something to be proud. Remember, recovery is a continuous process & there are definitely going to be periods of struggle. Like Sue stated, we want to be here for you & help you out so I hope you will blog about how you are feeling more often as well. I suggest you stick to browsing just certain parts of the website like the motivation/wellness sections & maybe one-two teams that you find helpful. Do what you can for now.

Try to think of one positive thing you like or love about yourself. It can be physical or it can be a personality trait. It can be that you like to help others, your eye color, etc. Focus on that positive thing & it may help you slowly begin to change that negative tape that is playing in your head. Remember, you deserve to be kind to yourself. You are worth getting well for.

I hope that with time, I will see you posting in the peppy party more because you shine on a light on the team & we miss that light.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Stay strong and keep fighting! emoticon







>



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A-NEW-TARA 11/19/2012 9:49PM

    It is good to see you blog, but I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling. As you know so many of us have struggled and continue to struggle with eating disorders and the holidays sure can add to the stress that often trigger things. I'm glad you have a counselor, sucks she's gone during the holidays; do you belong to any support groups outside of Spark? I have a couple of suggestions that have helped me in the past and perhaps could help. First, I stopped looking at magazines just because they set us up for unrealistic ideas of what is beautiful and healthy. Secondly, do you have a family member or neighbor you can send your scale to, doesn't have to be forever just until you are feeling stronger and less tempted. Another tip is to spend time telling yourself the positive things to counteract the negative thinking that gets you going...so tell yourself "I am beautiful," "I am healthy," "I love my body," etc. I know how difficult that can be especially when in the middle of an episode, but force your mind to say it...put sticky notes on your mirror, fridge, computer monitor etc. with positive words...slowly your mind will trigger those more positive thoughts over the negative.

You know we are always here for you, so don't hesitate to reach out again and often. I hope that you have a peaceful Thanksgiving. You're in my thoughts.
emoticon

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CHANGINGSAM 11/19/2012 3:28PM

    Miss you too! Hope you are able to find some peace soon. emoticon

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CINDYAST 11/19/2012 2:39PM

    emoticon

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LILAC_LANE 11/19/2012 10:39AM

    Thanks everyone!
I am in counseling but my counselor is off the next 2 weeks. :(
I appreciate your encouragement and I'm just trying to take it day by day.
Hugs!
Lilac

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_LINDA 11/19/2012 10:18AM

    So very sorry you are having these serious issues :(( Magazine covers drive me crazy -they are just 'air brushed' people designed to look as good as possible, if you saw them in real life without their heavy make up, you probably wouldn't even recognize them :P Try to get it in your head they aren't realistic. Women can't get a ripped physique unless they are taking steroids because we don't have the hormones to build muscle. Think Marylin Monroe. By today's standard's she would be considered overweight, but then she was an incredible beauty with all the womenly curves we all have naturally.
Please do seek professional help if you feel you can't do it alone. Those are too serious problems to be on your own.
So glad to hear from you and that you have recovered from your surgery..
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CANDOSUE52 11/19/2012 9:22AM

   
I hate that you're struggling. I encourage you to post MORE around here, not less, because the more we struggle, the more we need the support. Please don't isolate, in your pain. We want to be there for you.

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FATBASTICH 11/19/2012 7:36AM

    Hang in there. I hope that you are able to find some joy and peace in these coming weeks.

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FRACKTHATNOISE 11/19/2012 7:15AM

    We miss you too, Miss Lilac.

I hope you know we're all here to support you on your journey to health.

I'm so glad you're back here with us and I'm even more pleased to hear you're focusing on your health.

Much love.

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REFFIE1 11/18/2012 10:47PM

    Thank you for your honesty and it is good to know why we haven't heard from you. It is a relief to know you are alright. Right now, you need to do what you need to do for yourself. They say in an airplane crash even people with children should grab the air mask first so that they will be there to help their family. You obviously need to take some things off your agenda for now but we will always be here and happy for your return. emoticon

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MSMOSTIMPROVED 11/18/2012 9:47PM

    Stay strong Lilac! We love you and want you to just take good care of yourself! We will get through these holidays. Thinking of you and your family.

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RUNNING-LIFE 11/18/2012 9:46PM

    Awww Lilac I've been missing you! I'm glad that you've posted to let us give you some support. Try not to look at the scale-its only a number, concentrate instead on getting better. The rest will come in time.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SEATTLE58 11/18/2012 9:22PM

    Awww Sweetie, it's so good to ehar from you again. Sorry about you feeling down. Just take a day at a time and don't worry about the scale so much. It's just a number. Go by how your clothes feel, how you feel. Are you getting your 5 freggies/day? I know that I hardly do and yet I know that I need to to be more healthy, so I keep trying at taking a day at a time. I did today eat over 5 and that makes me feel better mentally and physically. We're all in this same boat in alot of ways. Just concentrate on getting all better too and the rest will fall into line. Happy Thanksgiving to you! emoticon and emoticon too!

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