Sunday, November 18, 2012
Event, that is what the Drs. in the ER and ICU called the embolism resulting in arrethymia causing the death of my husband, my partner, my friend, my lover!
It has been almost seven weeks since Ed died and there are so many who are telling me to think about the happy times so I won't cry! Think about the happy times so that I won't cry? Are they insane? When I think about anything the tears flow and when I think about happy times? Well, I think they might fill a small sea the pour so freely and for so long.
Why should I stop crying because it has been a full six weeks plus since Ed died? We spent fifty two years together, first as teenagers and friends then as husband and wife, lovers, parents, partners in almost every aspect of our lives! Why should I stop crying when I cried every Monday for four years as he left for other cities for his job? Why should I stop crying when he was a part of me and our life for so many years that I am not sure what if anything is left? Why should I stop crying when it has been only a few terrible weeks of dealing with memorial services, picking up ashes, trolling the internet for a container, contacting social security, credit card companies, auto insurance agent, the bank, etc, etc,. etc.?
Why tell me to think of things that will keep me from crying? I am sad, very, very, sad! When I am a little sad I cry and this is beyond any sadness I have ever known before. I was sad when I lost my beloved grandmothers, when I lost my father, and when I lost my mother but not like this sadness. This is a heaviness carried within, heavier than anything else I have ever felt before now. It is a coldness, a bone chilling, wrenching, powerful grief felt for the end of a beautiful and too short love affair.
Yes, love affair. We met when I was still a teen and I knew we were to be together. We eloped to another state where I could marry without parents consent and we spent a short lifetime of almost 50 years married. We were supposed to grow old together but I will grow old without him. There will be no "together".
Please don't miss understand. We didn't have the perfect marriage, just one of the best that I know of. We had our fights but learned to pick our battles and keep them fair. We learned to express feelings and not accusations. We learned to work together in our business and I only fired and re-hired him a couple of times in 25 or so years of owning our business. Sometimes we went to bed angry even though we knew that we shouldn't but the blowups had not had time to settle down. Sometimes we were just plain stubborn and it took a while to realize neither of us was right but we did love one another.
We were faithful. There was never an affair to deal with and for that I am thankful That might have killed out love for one another. But you see, we were lovers, we didn't need another. We had enough other things, tough financial times, sick babies, his job traveling for a large corporation that thought employees didn't need to be with their families, loss of a job and trying to get our own business up and providing an income. With the problems of everyday life and added problems of a business we still made it and loved each other more and more.
So, don't tell me to think of things to prevent crying! I need to cry! I need to cry until the salt water of my tears begins to heal the pain, the heartache, the emptiness where my husband and lover was ripped from me.
DO NOT TELL ME TO NOT CRY!