This is me...yep a good 222 pounds and it disgusts me...and why me...
Here is another picture of me 222 pounds
I am not even in a size 16...I am pushing size 18, but I refuse to go buy a pair of anything... I am desperate.... It is hard to move...I dread being 222 and I can't handle it so I go mall walking and watch what I eat. Two weeks later, I go try the stilleto's on, because I saw them and wanted them and they not fit (size 16) all because I was 222 and I was not willing to go to size 18. Well, two weeks later:
I am thrilled that I can get into them snug...I buy them. My daughter puts me on food plan of no sugar, etc. I follow it as best as possible, and these become loose.
I go mall walking again yesterday to same mall. I am 207 and getting closer to oneville. I never expected that I had lost INCHES let alone get to the next smaller size. I am at same mall, hubby at work, I go into same store and try on size 14 of the stilleto jeans and the skinny leopard jeans. Well size 14 is really loose on me...wow, way cool, let me try a 12....I really expected the size 12 to not go on all the way.
This is me in the size 12. Woot Woot! Was I so ever surprised.
Ok, let me back up just a little. The night before, Friday night, I was feeling pretty low. Let's just say the lowest I have felt in a very long time. I really wanted to end my life. I no longer wanted to live or fight to live. I actually took a knife and looked at it, and wanted to take it to my neck and slice it open, or to my wrists. I was too chicken and part of me didn't want too. I was crying and in hysterics. I yelled at my husband who had done nothing. I was broken. I was angry, I was alone inside, I was all over the place. I haven't felt this crazy, bad, in a VERY VERY VERY long time. I felt as if I had accomplished NOTHING, that I was worth NOTHING. You ask me why. Well, my life changed in a snap of the fingers, and I have a teenage pregnant step daughter and baby and baby on the way. I am on the go nearly 7 days all day and we SPENT every PENNY to get them here, and the expense is WOW. I can't work. Hubby works. I struggle to just keep myself alive. I don't even know where the strength comes from sometimes except for God. Ok, I only ask for niceness/respect. Let's say she can be pretty mean or cruel at times. Sometimes her comments make me want to slap her, but I refrain, but her dad, my hubby, sometimes does not pick up on it and does nothing and she gets to go do whatever she wants and I am ready to scream. I have not been able to purchase my supplements, and I am out of my Proflavonol C and my CoQ. I still have some health pak left, but not a lot and none on the way. I knew it affected me in a positive way, but did not know or realize just how much it affected me. My mood has been stablized now for 8 months and no up and downs and if I had any up and downs they were so mild and unnoticeable. Well, let's just say, I was NOT ME and it scared me. It scared my husband. I am a ball of emotions. I am scheduling an appt with doctor on Monday too. My husband has agreed, I need to get back on my supplements too.
We talked about a lot of what I was feeling and why and let's just say things are changing around here with his daughter... My life does not need to be disrupted as bad as it has been and then be treated the way she has treated me. He said he is not losing me over her in any way.
Well, he was glad I was going mall walking by myself while he was working (by his work). I was very slow walker and I was pretty emotional, but it felt good. I had my hair in a pony tail. I had no make up on either. No big deal. But I was so so surprised. You would think I was setting myself up, but I wasn't, I was really thinking "let's try a Size 14, just to see how close I am to getting into them, or if I can get into them snug." I was so shocked that they were so loose. I asked for a 12 and WOW. I left the store and walked some more and the girl at the straightener place asked if she could do all of my hair and yep, she did it all. She curled my hair.
Ok, no makeup.
Off to Sephora's I go, and I find some make up I want to try. The lady does my foundation, then I get to go over and try some eyeliners and shadow, and mascara
sorry no smile in pic...but I was in a much better mood.
I was pretty excited about my accomplishments for the day. I called my friend Rett because I love her and miss her and was excited to tell her. She is my one friend that is distant.
Today, I notice I am emotional as well, but not like I was, but just something for me to watch.