Sunday, November 18, 2012
I am feeling so upset right now I don't even know how to start this off :( Yesterday morning I was on fire by that evening it was as if someone had thrown a bucket of water on me and I sat drenched, cold and sad.
I guess I shall start with the facts... a few days ago I made this chocolate zucchini pumpkin brownie/bread thing. It was good but I didn't cook it long enough so it just wasn't very firm. Even with all those veggies it was made from a box cake mix and high in calories. I had eaten the ends of it the other days and was left with the middle which was the mushy part.
Well idk what got into me but that afternoon I just picked some off the top and ate it then went back and grabbed a fork and began picking at the top some more. It wasn't binge worthy but it wasn't good. And it actually really wasn't even good so I don't know why I did it :(
I think eating it really did a number on my stomach as well because I felt as if I would die later. I don't know if it was just how much of it I ate (really no more then two slices worth) or because it wasn't cooked very well. It should have been fine to eat completely raw though it was vegan so no eggs in it even. But it did have alot of flax so eh idk. My body revolted against me and I wanted to die either way.
It doesn't end there either...
My husband came home shortly after that and almost the very first thing he says to me is order pizza. I actually being a good girl say no, completely shocked that he would even suggest that and say hello I am trying to eat better. He says fine just order me pizza...yes he really seriously said that. I go well I guess I could just order 1 pizza and we can share. No he doesn't want to share.
Now pizza is my arch-nemesis in eating healthy. It has to be my most favorite food in the world. A food that I have often binged on. A food that I could literally eat every single day and never get sick of. Infact I know that there has been times that for like a week I did eat pizza every single day- order out, frozen, some pizza rolls or other pizza like items, etc... :( I am not proud of myself but pizza is most definitely my trigger food. And my husband 100% knows this....
I want to hate him for it. I want to be oh so angry with him. & ok partly I am because he should be more considerate. But I am an adult and I make my own choices. I could have said firmly NO. But I didn't. I could have also made way better choices with the pizza and I didn't....
I did order pizza. I could have gotten thin crust which would have been way way less calories and I didn't. I could have eaten 1 or 2 slices and made a salad to fill me up and I didn't. The only thing I did do well is that I didn't order cheesy bread which I usually do & eat all the bread myself.
So yeah I stuffed myself with pizza. :( I think in my head I was telling myself it will be fine you will just eat a slice or two and save the rest but I knew I wouldn't.
I am not saying I will never eat pizza again. I love it far too much to say that lol. But I can't have it around me right now. My self control is weak and I shouldn't be ashamed to admit that. I was really down on myself last night and when I went to bed I almost just cried, I wanted to. I know I shouldn't beat myself up so much but I just felt completely disappointed in myself.
~ But today was my weigh in day. And I seriously was scared that I wouldn't have lost anything or worse I would have gained. But I actually lost 1lb exactly. I was a bit shocked to be honest.
I think that part of it may be that I am not eating enough calories everyday. I am staying on my very lowest range. I have that fear of if I keep eating so few now how will I reduce them later when I lose weight? But I know I am just afraid of calories & so it is hard for me to go so high (on purpose lol).
I think what I am learning is that while my fitness is going much better and I am learning to shine there my diet is still struggling alot. I have alot of issues with food/emotions & self control/willpower that are going to take alot of time to deal with.
My best bet may be to just remove all temptation for now until I am in a better place, a stronger more confident place.
Yet it is kindof funny because I bought halloween candy like in the week right after halloween and I still have it sitting there out in the open and haven't touched more then like 1 reese's cup once a day for a few days (& I tracked it). And my husband bought a ton of cupcakes (huge boxes of them too) & while I had a slight twinge of want I haven't touched them at all. (seriously now is my husband trying to sabotage me? lol) So there are things I can be strong with and just things I surely can not. I guess if I build up the NO attitude on the things I am ok with it will help me learn to say no to the things I have a harder time with and help me learn that I can say no. I do have willpower she is just a bit too quiet sometimes lol. But she is there!
This is already a terribly long blog post but I have alot to talk about still lol
This week is insanely busy for me! Tomorrow my husband is off work and we go shopping, Tues is his birthday we didn't have any plans but it is usually his day off but I guess now he has to go in to work some...& then Wed he got off and we are driving down to his parents that day, Thurs is turkey day and like right smack after we finish eating we have to drive back home because he has to go into work at like 9 to help set up catering that target ordered for their black friday stuff...
Seriously he has gotten screwed over at work. I wish he would stand up for himself more and say NO. He agreed to come in thurs so he could get wed off and then they are making him come in even earlier then he thought even though they know he is leaving town and no one else is... and then also making him come in on his birthday. He should have said no he couldn't do it but he was afraid they would make him work wed.
So I told him to ask his mom if we could do thanksgiving dinner more like a later lunch instead of having it at around 5 or later because we have to leave by 7 to make it home in time for when he has to go to work. And he doesn't want to ask because his brother/sister in law goes and does dinner with her family first and then goes to his parents so they are not able to do it until later. Which annoyed me. If they are eating with her family then why can't we all do dinner earlier then they come at their normal time and we can say hi and still spend time with them and maybe eat desert together etc.. they live in the same town we don't....
Anyways this week I must get all my candles up on my site for sale. There should be zero reasons why i can't. I figured out pictures, all of my tarts and melts labels are finished. I just need to finish making these last few then package them all up and take pics then get them up. I would love to also get my actual candles up by the end of this week but we will have to see..
Then next mon/tues our new roommate moves in. All the furniture has been moved and everything is clean so I will just have normal cleaning to do and such but it is still very stressful. I am going to assume the first two weeks with him here will be awkward but then maybe things will settle down some and I can just worry about everything else lol