Saturday, November 17, 2012
A friend of mine suggested I blog about what's bothering me because it's clear that something is wrong but I haven't stated what it is. I was going to wait to blog until tomorrow when I do my WUB, but I figured she was right and so here it is. I must warn you that what is in this blog is personal and not for the boys. So if you're a guy or are the really squeamish type, don't continue reading the next paragraph.
So. I've been having this problem the last couple of weeks. I've had a lot of breast pain for a couple of weeks now. The pain seems to originate from a certain spot and just spreads out from there. I can not touch anything without wanting to cry. I mean really, I can't even shower anymore without pain. And I seem to be getting these purple spots that almost look like spider veins but they showed up over night, so I'm understandably confused on that one. Plus, they itch like no other. So after two weeks of suffering and three negative pregnancy tests, I finally made an appointment with a doctor and I see them Tuesday afternoon. Honestly, I am terrified. I don't know what's wrong with me and it just seems to keep changing. And I'll be honest that I've kind of worked myself up into thinking it's the "C" word and if that's the case, I don't know what's going to happen. I can't afford any treatments, so I guess if that is what is, I have to fight and win or lose on my own. But I'm scared. Very scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of the pain and I'm sick of not being able to do anything about it or because of it. So, I'm at a loss here.
And today I had lots of fun trying my hand at that work at home thing I had talked about earlier. Yeah. It's not going to work out and I blew $30 bucks on the crap. I'm royally pissed at myself for this mistake. That was money I borrowed from my hospital bill payment, which thankfully isn't due until the 9th, thinking things were going to work out and I was going make some extra money and I was going to have a great wedding and I was going to get to quit my job from hell and all these other great dreams that are never going to happen. I can't do what they want to their specifications and apparently they are extremely picky about what they buy from you and it's not a good thing. No, I didn't do my research very well. So, goodbye dream wedding and goodbye getting away from that job. And you wanna know the best part? I convinced my fiance to help me deal with my depression by using some of the grocery money so I could medicate myself with Dominos. So I emotionally ate my little heart out with gluten, so I'm extra sick on top of the normal I overate sick, and I haven't been exercising. I feel so good about myself right now. I'm being sarcastic. I'm just fed up with everything right now. I can't seem to handle much of anything right at this moment. So that's what's going on. Most will find that this second paragraph isn't that big of a deal, but if you worked where I worked, or worked in a place as physically, emotionally, and mentally toxic as it is, you'd understand. I feel trapped, I feel lost, I feel angry and betrayed. I feel a lot right now. Not sure where to go from here now.
Also, a while back I promised pictures of my wedding pillows project. Well here's the first one. A progress picture anyway. I still need to outline everything in black with a back stitch, but this is what I have so far as of the work I did on Tuesday.