Full of rage, and Hate.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Right now I just hate the world.... I'm not by any means a people person, at least by choice. I do well with people, I just really would rather sequester myself. I'm not really sure what happened but all optimism and joy are gone right now. It's soo complicated.
So I have to see my Ex on Tuesday to try and agree on things for the divorce. I'm not looking forward to that by any means. He has no desire to cooperate, and frankly I have no patience for his childish games. Worse is that it seems as though he is happy and that pisses me off. I want him to be miserable. I want him to feel all the pain I have over the last few years. I want him to have soo much responisiblity dumped on him that he's drowning in it.
Why? Because I am exhausted! I hate the fact that I had to go from being a child to an adult in like 60 seconds. I hate that I have managed to get myself in this messed up situation. I hate that when it rains it pours, and it's seems as though all of my friends have forgottent that I'm still nagivating this mess.
I hate that I was soo sick yesterday, that I was actually wishing he was there! I hate that somethings are just out of my control, and I hate that I'm soo exhausted to bother with the things that are in my control. I called in to work yesterday for the first time since I started with this new company back at the beginning of April. I hated myself the entire time for it.
In the last week I find myself wishing something catastropic would happen and cause me to lose absolutely everything because completly demolishing everything seems easier than trying to patch up what's been broken. If it's not one thing breaking down at the house it's another.
I have soo much to be proud of, but right now it all seems meaningless. I have lost 45 lbs, and I find myself back to thinking how disgusting I feel.
Here's the problem... I'm not superwoman, I can't do everything. As much as I want to think I can. I can't take care of 4 animals, work out, eat to lose weight, take care of a two story house, clean up the mess my Ex, left, have a boyfriend, go to school part time, work 48-56hrs per week and still keep my sanity. Sadly it's just not possible and something has got to give.
Maybe it means sequestering myself for a few weeks, and really establish a routine. Maybe it means just holding out till the divorce is finalized and then diving in. Maybe it just means sequestering myself and holding out until exams are done. I know I will get there. I know I will look back on all of this and take a breath and say wow, I can't believe I was that strong. These times when I'm feeling low are always the worst. I know I'm going to come back up for air. I just don't know what needs to fall into place in order to do so. I know I'll figure it out.
Sometimes it just means taking a few days to really scrub the house down, other times it means going through organizing and purging what I don't want to keep. And I won't know till the time is right.
In the mean time it's just going to mean, that it's ok that breathing is all I can manage. The world won't spontaneously combust, if I keep to myself, and do only what I need, and not what any one else thinks.
God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.