Saturday, November 17, 2012
Motivation.... A couple weeks ago I sort of lost my motivation, and I had to stop and look at what has driven me to this point. So let me list some past motivators. This way, if I misplace it again, maybe I can find it here.
For starting- I wanted to be a better role model for my children. That is still something I want. I want healthy children with a healthy body image and an active and fun life. I know I lead by example.
After starting- The less weight I carried, the better I felt with a whole bunch of extra energy. Energy is still a good thing.
Once the energy was consistently high- I was motivated by new clothes. I would get excited to move down a size and buy new things. Fit and flair, retro looking, dresses are big motivators for me. I own like over 30 dresses. Later though, I found it frustrating to have to buy a new wardrobe every so many months, and I started buying just a few pieces, and I started living in hand me downs. Now, my friends don't seem to have 2's, 4's, and 6's to pass down to me... so it looks like it's new wardrobe time again (although right now, I am a bit broke because we are living on just my sad income right now).
I have felt motivated by positive attention. I like hearing "good job" or "you motivated me to take better care of myself". It feels good. I've also grown (although this was tough at first) to like positive attention from the opposite sex. It does feel good to be at a party and have some random guy call you beautiful or give you that big old "how YOU do'n" smile. It is very reinforcing.
When my marriage was feeling like a sinking ship, and I was preparing to jump off, I was very motivated by the idea of someone new possibly seeing my body someday. Somehow I keep getting talked into staying, so that seems to be less of a motivator these days, and he could care less about what I look like, but at least after months and months of counseling and marriage classes, he pretends to care. (this one here I still need to figure out)
My health motivates me. I like that I cut down on my risk of cancer and heart disease... diabetes.... I like how I feel and function when I eat well. I am glad my cholesterol is optimal and my blood pressure is in the normal range.
Exercise itself, with it's happy endorphin releasing ability, is often intrinsically motivating for me. I exercise because I feel good when I do. I can go out to run feeling angry or frustrated and I come home the happy little runner. I like how I feel when I am in that breathless sweaty state. It centers me. It makes me feel energetic all day long. I love it!
Of course, I love the fact that I just fit in the world better as a normal sized human being. It's hard being over 300 pounds...
So here is what happened a few weeks ago. I was started to feel like the fours were getting too big, and I knew there was no money for 2's... so clothing did not motivate me. I made a comment about how I was excited to reach a new weight and my sister and mother gave me crap about losing enough, and I found that frustrating because I am a few pounds from being in the healthy BMI. I am so close to the goal.... so that was demotivating. I found myself having lots of arguments with the spouse, but I need his unemployment to feed my kids, so that felt frustrating..... Then I fell off the wagon for a few days, and I felt worse. Oh yeah, there was my motivation, eating healthy and exercise feels good and helps manage stress. I deserve to be healthy. I am worth this on my own.
As for my family, they've never seen me at healthy weight ever. It's probably strange to them for me to strive to better, when I am already in a smaller size then they are. I want to be the best I can be. I've been working for years to get this point, let me go all the way. I eat within my range, and it's a very clean and healthy diet. Why would they want me to stop, when I am so close? I've been trying to figure that one out. Where is all this negativity coming from? I hear I should strength train from my sister... ummm I weigh 20 pounds more than you do, and I am in a smaller size, I think that is muscle. I strength train. It's weird. I am just not talking to them about it anymore.
Money won't be an issue forever. If the fours (we're talking stores that use flattery sizing-probably not a real 4 more like a 1980's 8) get too big, then I will go thrift store shopping. I will find a way.... there has got to be a way.
Oh look the sun came out.... I am going running now, and I am doing it because it feels good.