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Hmmm some thoughts about confidence

Saturday, November 17, 2012

I was writing on a friend's page and realized this was a good blog.

My DH is in China. We have an indoor pool that he looks after. He was afraid to go on this trip and afraid to extend it (visiting his parents in BC on the way home) because in our house we always seem to go from crisis to crisis and he is our McGiver. Over 33 years I have become quite dependant on him. I realized too that I am afraid of not having him around. The pool is one of the things I have not got a clue about. He has explained to me several times what to do... sometimes over the phone as I panic because there is a flood in the basement .... so I took a deep breath. I don't learn as quickly as I used to and his way of "teaching" does not fit with my way of learning anyways. So I went and got coloured paper, scissors and a black marker and tape and slowly we went through it all. As he would go through each step I would cut out a number, write the instructions on it in words I understood, I colour coordinated the levers or switches to match the coloured number. I made "stop signs" with warnings on them to look at FIRST eg. turning off a fuse at the fuse box. Then put the same coloured notes at the fuse box with the switches clearly labeled. Now I feel like ANYONE could problem solve the system. If there is an emergency and the pool liner rips I know how to empty the pool. I can do the maintenance - clean and backwash the filter and I can add chemicals. I know what to do if a pipe bursts in the basement or the filter pressure gets dangerously high. There are still things I would have to go to the pool store for help with like if the water turned green but I can do this.

I have been able to apply this to several things. I realized that when my health was not as good (I could only walk short distances and was in pain all the time) I had to relinquish to DH several chores around the house. Anything involving lifing heavy things or walking distances. Even as my health improved with SP I still was often only the "helper" in house maintenance and in fact DH still coddled me sometimes which would frustrate me because I was pretty sure I didn't need him to do everything for me. So this year especially has been about doing things on my own. Choosing a task that he was too busy to get to or that was not on his priority list and breaking it down to small steps that I could do. Slow, small steps. That was part of my history before too... take on something too big or too quickly and DH would have to pick up the pieces because I would get hurt or overwhelmed. And which each little success I would feel better. DH has been able to have his own projects while I took over the gardens. I was the one to find our new to us van. I have been decluttering and organizing the house.

As I wrote on my friend's page I realized it is rather like a domino effect. I had lost confidence in myself before spark people. I had problems with consistency and I had put myself in a tiny box with so many limitations about what I was able to do. It started with that "just exercise for ten minutes a day", learning to problem solve what exercises I could do, and then getting outside the comfort zone and trying new things. Now look at what I am doing! Where before I was terrified of... failure? Judgement? Now I try and challenge myself with new things for the thrill of success and the relief of knowing I CAN. I am learning what I am capable of doing.

"If you are worried and do something about it, then by all means, do something about it. If there is nothing you can do, then why worry?"
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    all the best
    1946 days ago
  • POPSY190
    It's so easy to lose confidence and so hard to regain. But it can be done and is important as we all need to maintain our independence and freedom of action as much as possible. Great blog.
    1946 days ago
    I always think about "Don't sweat the small stuff."
    That was a very good blog, you said it just right. I feel certain that has been the way of many women, relying on there spouse and at the same time Men relying on their spouse too. I guess it is good that we are able to switch chores these days. My DH is still not a great cook, that's my role and I do try to educate him.

    He is the one who usually messes with the fuses, not me but if I have to I can do it after many attempts. Thanks for hitting the nail on the head or threading the eye of the needle HUGS Pat in Maine.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1947 days ago
    Well done you! I also have been learning that if not confident about something, it's OKAY to take my time, learn simple steps, and take them. The sense of accomplishment is wonderful and trickles into other areas of my life.

    I think I had always believed that if I couldn't do something perfectly, successfully, competently, efficiently, and awesomely the FIRST TIME then best not to try. I sat on my bum waiting for it all to fall into place, for 40 years!

    But all I have to do today, I know now, is that one little, simple, step right in front of me, today. And one day I shall find myself having achieved, learned, completed the thing I set out to do.
    1947 days ago
    True words!
    1947 days ago
    that is one thing i like about the inspirational quotes, they remind us of the little things like how worry does not solve our problem, but conduct does. I still need those little messages, probably always will.
    1947 days ago
    1947 days ago
    This could not have come at a better time for me. I, too, was very limited in what I could do because of repeated health issues, and am now at the point of saying -- hey, I can do that now! But the mind is a funny thing, and I catch myself still just asking DH to do it. And you know my DH - he doesn't coddle so much as he never says no! I sometimes fear he loses himself in the process, and am happy to say we're rediscovering that balance (or establishing a new one) where (to oversimplify) I'm not so helpless, and he's not just about the chores. WooHoo!
    1947 days ago
    worry is too stressful - I avoid that if at all possible
    1947 days ago
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