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    JINLYNN   39,449
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Incomplete Grief

Saturday, November 17, 2012

"Incomplete grief will create hypervigilant self-protection from further emotional pain." (The Grief Recovery Handbook)

Last week I began counselling sessions to help me deal with the conflicting emotions that have been brought about by the death of a not so loved brother. I did not expect to feel grief over his death. I thought his passing would signal the end of his influence on me. He was an abusive man – during my childhood I suffered physical, sexual, and verbal abuse from him.

I never had the opportunity to grieve the sexual abuse when it was happening, or as a young adult. I found ways to protect myself; most notable is the vast amount of weight I hide behind. (see previous blog, Walls, below). There have been a lot of painful incidences that have also helped to build my walls. Now I am choosing to face them, to complete the grieving, and to move on to a better, healthier life.


Walls (April 2011)
I have locked myself away behind a prison of fat built ounce by ounce, pound by pound. Originally I built it as to be my fortress to protect myself from the emotional pains that seemed unbearable, the shame of being sexually abused as a small child, the fear and distrust of people – men in particular. I took my vulnerable inner child and locked her away so she would not be hurt or victimized again.

Over time my fortress became my prison. No one could get in, but neither could I get out. Day by day, pound by pound, my world shrank as my body – my prison – expanded, the walls reinforced by unhealthy habits and poor choices. From time to time I would make a small effort to chip away at the walls, but the task just seemed insurmountable. And I was afraid to ask for help – to let anyone see my inner ugliness – the darkness, loneliness, and despair that were my constant companions.

I have waited behind my prison walls for a spark of light that would offer the promise of freedom and release. This blog will be that “spark” – a place of connection and hope.

I have been building this prison for over 50 years and unlike the walls of Jericho, my walls of flesh will not fall down in seven days. But with God’s grace, the wall will fall. Over the course of the days, weeks, months, and yes, years ahead as I journey towards my goals (physical, mental and spiritual) I will chip away at my prison walls. Ounce by ounce, pound by pound I will dismantle my prison of flesh. I will allow myself to live again, to risk again, to feel again – to be all God created me to be.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WATREKKIE 11/19/2012 11:04PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SPEEDY143 11/19/2012 1:29PM

    I figured he was behind the abuse. It's amazing isn't it how we think a death will or will not affect us. Again, you are doing the best thing for Jineane by working through your grief with counselling... YOU are your number 1 priority right now. I know you live with and care for your mom and believe it or not she has a responsibility to work through her own grief... you concentrate on yours sweetheart because you have a whole life ahead of you and you deserve to live it with joy emoticon My prayers are always with you emoticon

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BECCABOO127 11/18/2012 1:58AM

    emoticon None of my brothers protected me. My Dad was great though, thankfully!

Thanks for sharing your story. Grief is hard to get through--so is abuse. I feel for you.

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LOSINGLINNDY 11/17/2012 9:46PM

    Thank you for sharing this vulnerable blog. I believe writing it will help you, and that reading it will help others get in touch with their own walls.

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CARLOOTA 11/17/2012 9:18PM

    I can totally relate to this. Thank you for being brave enough to share this story.

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CANDYCANE2B 11/17/2012 8:21PM

    You can do this!!! I am so glad you're getting counseling!!! Unfortunately, the only way out is to face those "walls" as you describe your past. But despite the pain facing them brings, it also brings freedom and relief that you can be the person you always wanted to be!!!

You're a strong person and you can win!!!

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NPA4LOSS 11/17/2012 3:54PM

    So many of us that have been through abuse have walls that we live behind. I am so proud of you for facing this grief and learning how to deal with it. You are so brave ans such a pwerful woman for dong this! emoticon emoticon

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GOLDENRODGIRL 11/17/2012 2:41PM

    You're courageous for posting this, and for seeking help for yourself. I wish you as much peace as possible.

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LIVINGFREE19 11/17/2012 2:19PM

    So sorry to hear this Jineane. Now I understand why you feel the way you do about him.
It is so great that it really hasn't hurt you as a person as far as friendships with females go. You are such a sweet person!!
emoticon emoticon

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BLESSEDBEING 11/17/2012 12:10PM

    Sometimes the grief can be, in part, for what could or should have been but never was. A big brother should be a protector, not the monster you need protection from.

I have found that the more I release my shame and fear and heal the inner me, the more I am able to release the fat I hid behind. Really loving and accepting yourself as you are with all your feelings can lead you to genuinely wanting to be kinder to yourself, to slowly change those entrenched habits a little at a time, and nurture healthier ones. That's been my experience, and I pray it becomes yours as well.

Allow the feelings and the epiphanies to flow, and honor them all. And keep sharing with us--your strength, your pain--and know there is no need to hide, because what we see is beautiful.

Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon

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JILL313 11/17/2012 9:28AM

    I'm so glad your going to be talking about your past shame and grief now and in the past. It will free you from those bound chains that you've built stronger through the years. Just be honest and tell her/him exactly how you feel. They are not judgmental and are trained to be objective like a friend or family member couldn't be. You're blog is so well written and you wear your heart on "your sleeve". It's going to make the rest of your life chain-free and happier. I hope your Mom is fine but if she isn't maybe she needs some grief counseling for herself. It's so true we love our children pretty much unconditional even though it's not healthy for them or us. Keep me posted as I do care about you and want the best outcome possible.

Love You,

Jill

It's raining here and some hot apple cider will hit the spot. Thank you for thinking of me.

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GABBY308 11/17/2012 8:56AM

    I think realizing that our fat is a wall we chose to build and what we used to protect ourselves is a first step. A lot of us survivors have done the same thing. You described it so eloquently.
emoticon

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RGEETING 11/17/2012 2:48AM

    So happy to see you on the journey! May God continue to give you His strength and His power and His peace for this journey.
Love you!

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