Saturday, November 17, 2012
Things on my mind:
-no matter how many people are around me in my life, supporting me, being there for me, and caring about me, sometimes I have moments where I feel completely and utterly alone (irrational, I know, but real).
-No matter how much I hear that 'time heals all wounds,' I feel that it is a complete lie that we tell others and convince ourselves to pass the time by which one is supposed to 'magically' heal.
-No matter how much I try not to think of the negative in my past, I do. Often. And for one reason or another, it's easier to hang on things I did wrong, failures, and hurt than the hundreds of successes I have had.
-No matter how well I do on an assignment, paper, or project, I always assume I did the worst I possibly could. I suppose this is a defense mechanism to help me digest failing, if it were to actually happen---or, it's a buffer to help pleasantly surprise myself. Either way....
-No matter how much I say to myself that I am not going to eat candy, drink soda, or copious amounts of coffee, I do it anyways. I suppose it could be worse!
-No matter how much I love being independent, I secretly wish that I wasn't at times. This makes it very hard to give up control.
-No matter how many people say to me that 'there is a man out there for you, just be patient' I'd like for them to be.more.specific!
-No matter how much I tell myself that I am a scholar and brilliant enough for this doctorate degree, I'm working my tail off for it. It makes me wish that I either cared less or was more intelligent so I wouldn't feel like losing sleep was the norm when completing assignments.
-No matter how much I think I can remain friends with my ex's, I am reminded by them that it is not possible. And, if it is a one way street, I need to realize that and throw the car in reverse rather than stay stopped at the end of the road.
-No matter how much I love sleep, I simply never get enough. I think this calls for a new years resolution of less procrastinating and more commitment.
-No matter what others believe, I do not subscribe to 'things happen for reasons.' Even if there ARE reasons, nine times out of ten, if its happenings for unhappy reasons, I am in denial and don't want to know what those reasons are, so this statement holds no merit for me. Now, if its positive, I call that fate!
-No matter what my scale says, I go by what my clothes say about my progress. I wish this worked with other areas, like my grades!
-No matter what my paychecks are in life, I never believe that one can have too many shoes or purses. It's the only two things that you can own in mass quantity that does not need to be donated, trashed, or recycled with gaining or losing 5 lbs.
-No matter what, my mind always wanders during time when I am alone between what I want to do, what I should be doing, what I could be doing, and why I am not making a decisions--Yes, I'm a libra.
-No matter what my face says, smile or not, I still hurt a lot from things that happen in my past and I have a hard time letting go. Maybe because I think I can fix everything, even if it truly is broken beyond repair.
-No matter what, I will always think caramel apples with nuts are an amazing meal replacement.
-No matter how old I get, I will always love Disney movies, Boy Meets World, Saved by the Bell, and Twinkies.
-No matter how much I wish I could go back to my past, I wish more that I could just get over it without the mindful chatter in my head dictating how my heart feels.
-No matter how big my smile is on my face, sometimes it's plastered on there because that is all I can do to keep from crying.
-No matter what, I have to remind myself that I am human and that I have emotions and that it is totally okay to feel them, acknowledge them, and process them. I have to remember that with every failure comes learning, in all aspects!!!!!