Day 274 Challenging disordered eating - Growing my own resilience.
Friday, November 16, 2012
My mother, when young, was an anorexic sufferer, and while recovered from the eating behaviour that almost killed her, never really addressed the psychological stuff around food/body etc.
Acknowledging this isn't playing the blame-game; it's setting the stage for my entrance into life and how I learned to cope with its ups and downs.
Food. It was my survival, but it became a tool not for fuel but for comfort, for defence, for managing the world around me. I understand now that I never really knew it any other way.
My earlier memories with food aren't ones of gorging myself (they came later) but of the incredibly tortuous anxiety that I won't get enough. That I won't survive if I don't get enough...
I became a binge-eater and later on a bulemic, and probably from my tweens ate over 4 times my daily caloric needs, on a GOOD day. Fortunately I was also very active, so although 'overweight' for my age/size, I wasn't in the obese range til my late teens.
That's all the history lesson you are getting for now. What I wanted to emphasise is that I never learned or practised healthy mental/social skills of managing emotions and thoughts, or of life situations.
So I learned to trust - not myself, but FOOD to cope with these things. Now food is a destructive element in my life. I need to change that around. This is not a matter of will-powered big-rules dieting. And it's not about weight loss. Like weight gain, weight loss is a consequence of my thoughts and behaviours not just around food, but of all life's ups and downs.
This is where for me, the journey to a healthy eating habit really begins. Managing life and practising resilience. Learning to trust myself that I can survive life through skills that don't involve a skillet.
Learning to trust myself.
Learning new skills.
Being true to myself and respecting myself.