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    THIDDY   1,069
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1,000-2,499 SparkPoints
 
 
Day 3

Friday, November 16, 2012

Well.. no one could confuse me for a health nut or anything, but today marks day three in me going for a 20 minute walk!! Woo hoo for me! Feel very proud of myself. Since most attempts by me to stick with any sort of a work out routine involves me being psyched up on day one. Sore for the rest of day one and day two, and there is never a day three... this means progress. Sort of.

It's true that today was my day off from work, and also true that the tipping of the scales moment between the decision to sit on my butt and be totally lazy all day today or get up, get dressed and go for my walk, came when I realized I was out of diet coke.. and would need to go in search of sustenance from a near by store which was a 20-25 minute walk (there + back) trip.

But I still got up, got dressed, and out of the house, so I choose to see today as a victory .. however small.

It's at Day three that I think it's a good idea for me to define my goals. If day one was my wish, day two accounted for my past up until now ..

To be totally honest, I don't know where I expect this journey to take me.

Every time I've done spark people before I've been really active at first .. tracking everything, and felt a great deal of anxiety about foods which I did not have a nutrition label for, and then after a few weeks of stress and anxiety, I've quit.

A few pounds lighter, feeling like a failure because the pounds didn't drop off quick enough, and the blogs which should inspire me, instead depressed me. I would see other people's success blogs, with their triumphs of running marathons, and converting to a totally clean or totally vegan diet, I felt discouraged instead of inspired. I didn't feel like I could relate to any of -these- people. There was nothing wrong with them, personally you understand, I am not judging them .. I just didn't feel like I could fit in here, or this community would be very supportive for me.

I'm a girl from Wisconsin whom loves cheese and dairy products, and has never met a carb I didn't like. I grew up poor so most of my comfort foods {trigger foods} are processed inexpensive meals that my mom made for us, because it stretched our limited financial resources, loaded with carbs, veggies soaked in butter, and greasy, meat. Our local Walmart doesn't carry couscous, or kale or quoa or whatever that health food stuff people are always going on about.

I could tell you that I understand losing weight and being healthy means making smarter choices for myself and I would be telling the truth, but this knowledge was always at odds with other truths. Truths like, I like pizza, and burgers, and sausage biscuits from MacDonald's, and my mother's potato salad, and bread and lots of other things which I am sure my spark people tracker would tell me are absolutely terrible for me. I could do good for a while.. I could give these things up .. find healthier alternatives.. find ways to feel like I was getting some sort of fix, but I am not sure I'd want to live in that world.

Just because I don't want to live in a clean living, vegan world.. and just because I don't want to give up Fast-Food, processed foods, and carbs though doesn't mean that I don't want to be healthy though. I feel like I ought to put that out there..

What I am trying to say is .. that I need/want/am looking for balance. Somewhere along the way I got it into my head that there is a right kind of skinny and a right kind of healthy. That there is only one way to be healthy .. but these days I am not sure that I feel that way.

There can't be only one kind of skinny, because even skinny people come in different shapes in sizes. And were I really honest with myself I find it debatable whether I really want to be "skinny" in the first place.

What I want is strength.

I want lung capacity.

I want to be able to run up a flight of stairs without keeling over wheezing and feeling light-headed.

I want to be able to button my pants up without feeling my stomach jut over the top of the waistband.

I want to know what it's like to walk without my thighs touching one another.

I want to enjoy getting my picture taken.

I want to just once, be able to buy clothes in any store in the mall, not just the big girl store.

I want to buy 3 pairs of underwear for less than $30.

I want to just once not feel like if a cute guy is looking my way and smiling, that he's looking at me and not some other skinny girl behind me.

I want to not doubt myself so much, and feel insignificant all the time, even in my own life. I use to have personal power and confidence in myself, and while it has been getting stronger in the last month or so since I started a new job .. watching my trust in myself totally disappear has been emotionally disastrous.

I don't want to be skinny. Skinny is shallow. Skinny is weak. Skinny is average. I don't care if my end "weight" doesn't fit within a doctor's height and weight chart measurements, or within a designers aesthetic of wire-hanger skinny ..

I don't want any of those things. I want to be healthy.

Healthy enough that I can eat pizza or a burger and not freak out about it. Healthy enough I don't spend the rest of my life counting calories or carbs, and worrying constantly about every bite of food that I take.

How I find that balance .. how I reach those goals.. I don't know. All I do know, is that today, on day three, I broke an unhealthy habit of mine, and I went for a walk. I did something different this time on my journey. And in my world..

Different has to be good.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PORTIAWILLIS 11/16/2012 7:09PM

    I understand what you are saying. I have thought the same thing many times.. I am from the south and also raised very poor. We ate the same way you have. I can only say that you were right about being healthy. I am 57 years old and about 50 lbs overweight but I am getting healthier one day at a time. Please don't judge yourself by what others do or say, that will only casuse you pain. Start slowly but be consistent and you will see results. Walking is a good way to start. It helps to clear your mind and focus on whats good for you. Good luck on your journey.

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