Friday, November 16, 2012
... back when I was much older than I am now. I felt disabled though I could still walk. I felt like each night when I went to sleep, I might never wake up. I felt like there would be grandchildren I would never get to see. I was settling into a life of pain and suffering for the remainder of whatever time I had left.
Then one day, I snapped out of it.
This picture, I can't believe I am sharing, was probably my all time high. It was my daughter's graduation from college. I remember I did not want to go because I had nothing to wear. I was also ashamed of how heavy I had become and I did not want to be an embarrassment for my daughter. But somehow I managed to go out and buy an old lady outfit & some old lady shoes so my feet wouldnt hurt. I wanted to share her joy but I really would rather have stayed home waiting for my heart attack to come get me.
I thank God every day that He has seen fit to keep me around a little bit longer. I am glad He helped me to find the courage to go, via my husband probably. And while I hate these images & memories of myself, I am glad to have some kind of documentation of my life here on this earth, and life with my family. I have spent the majority of the last 20 years hiding from the camera. Hiding from family and family functions. Hiding from friends. Hiding from myself. Hiding from Life. It is as if I wanted to be non-existent. But I don't want that any longer. Though I am far from where I want to be, I am better than I was a year ago, and I want to try to make myself more present in pictures - more present in Life.
I will have to practice the fine art of taking cell phone pictures in the mirror, but here is my first attempt last night.
Here we have me when I was a fat old lady:
And here are a couple I tried to take last night. Sorry so dark and I don't know how to use my phone. I will practice more :)