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    RAZRBKMOM   2,157
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strength...

Friday, November 16, 2012

Someone told me I must be a strong person to handle all life has thrown at me...if they only knew how it felt inside. I am crumbling...I feel like I can 't take anymore....if one more thing doesn't go right I feel like I could break into a million tiny little pieces...

My son the oldest one has been in jail for the past 9 months. Let me tell you if you have never had to deal with a problem child, you have no clue. He started off doing small things, not paying attention in school, graduated to smoking pot, graduated to dropping out of school his senior year after Justin was killed, graduated to stronger drugs, then to stealing, stealing from me, his brother, his dad, anyone it didn't matter. Everytime I would make the police reports, knowing whatever it was that was taken was taken and given to a drug dealer and I'd never see it again...And when he was finally arrested, it wasn't for the drugs...it was for theft....not theft of my property (24'' tv, 56'' tv, microwave, dryer, computer, laptop, jewlery, debit card) but theft of someone elses property...I was almost relieved .... almost. Then a new set of worries started. He was in jail...I could only see him for 15 min each Saturday. I would get up drive 45 min wait in line see him then drive home. While he was there, I had to pay for everything he got....t-shirts, underwear, soap, shampoo, toilet paper, everything...more financial strain....
And at the same time, his younger brother who was 15 now 16 was still worshiping him. Wanted to be just like him. Walked like him, talked like him, his grades went to hell in a handbasket. I thought I have been here, done this, got the t-shirt, and it wasn't a fun vacation....I went to Tyler's school...talked to them worked closely with his teachers to try to get his grades up...finally realized it wasn't going to work....so I filed a FINS petition...Family In Need of Services...Put Tyler in front of a judge, judge ordered him to have good grades, go thru counseling, no tobacco, and show me respect...NOT WORKING...

I don't know what to do with either of them at the moment. Jason is trying, I see this, but Tyler has just given up. I sometimes wish I had that option. Just give up. Give up and not take my meds, give up not pay my bills, give up not go to the doctors, give up not care about my boys, give up on life....but that really isn't an option for me...

As far as strength goes, I don't know where it comes from...maybe my faith is stronger than I think. But I doubt that too. I just know I have had to scrap for everything I have ever gotten...I fought for 21 years for a marriage that ended no matter what I wanted...I fought my weight my entire life, and losing that battle, I fight cancer every single day, I fight with my children for them to do better, when they really don't care..I am at a point to where I don't know how much care I have left...but strength, I don't consider my self strong not at all...in fact I consider my self extremely broken, extremely tired mentally & physically and emotionally.

I appreciate all the kind words of encouragement I have gotten. They mean so much. I have friends & good ones, but not all of them know the darkness that seems to surround me at times. One or 2 do... I have the 2 boys at home, and neither one of them understand, they are too wrapped up in their own lives and drama to really look at what I deal with or face daily. But I am loving the support I am getting here. It's like you really do understand. You really can feel what I am feeling...that is important to me. Each of you are important to me...Please don't ever forget that!!!!
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KRISZTA11 11/17/2012 1:32PM

    That must be hard...
I had difficulties with my kids a few years ago too, but nothing so serious, so I fully sympathize with you...

I type here my favorite quote from book The Spark for you:
When life is difficult, you've got to take control of what you can. When confidence is low, that's exactly when you need to be at your healthiest, strongest and most energetic. There is no better time to create your own little corner of sanity and positive feeling.

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11TERRY20 11/16/2012 1:33PM

    Wow, you do have a lot going on. Kids in prison is a tough deal. My nephew spent some time there. Although I don't have first hand knowledge of what you're going through, I do know it nearly destroyed my sister. The key for her was finding other purposes for her life. I don't mean she just abandoned her son, she didn't. But she put more effort into taking care of herself emotionally as well as physically.

Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

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RAZRBKMOM 11/16/2012 1:30PM

    Thanks Jenny,
The oldest has a daughter he hasn't seen in a year...but in all honesty I can't blame his former wife. Some of his choices were horrible and I would never put that precious daughter in that mess he was in.

I don't feel like I have any control over anything...I am praying when I get the band on the 29 I will feel like I have a little control over what I eat!! and thru that maybe some control will come back. This is a journey and a struggle I never thought I would have to do alone, but I am finding out I am not alone....

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JENNY888 11/16/2012 1:19PM

    Reading your blog my heart hurts for all you are going through. Under it all I sense your spirit to continue on no matter what life has been handing you. Faith is so important. There is a higher plan. There is a reason for what is happening.

I pray that your sons have a breakthrough and change the direction of your life. You are doing all you can and doing the right things from what I can see. Don't give up hope on the change happening in your sons. I watched a stepchild from a previous marriage turn his life around. He now has discontinued the substance abuse, is in a wonderful loving relationship, and has a daughter that is the light of his and his wife's life. There was a time I never thought that would happen but it did. My part in his life was only a small one. The higher power that I know is in control put all of the small influences in his life together to result in a positive. When you are feeling like you have no control know that you can only do the best you can. You are not alone.

I am going to friend you on Spark. I would like to follow what is happening in your life and support you. I hope you don't mind.

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