after dinner the way I behaved over food but mostly sugar( chocolates, candy bars) always makes me cringe... "do I have no will power what so ever?" Beat myself up for a few hours and then give up and eat everything in the house... I've read all the books, I continue to try yet I continue to fail. Maybe it's the try word why can't I just do it. It's everywhere I go. You can't hide from it, you can't stop your friends from getting it... or the looks and food pushers trying to make you fit in...
Noticing my surroundings, noticing that everywhere you go there's food, treats, that make you want to have a taste... eat it as you walk around shopping. Its like shopping for emotions, for a rush the same as buying shoes or a purse except it's short lived, only making you want more looking harmless but carrying an insane amount of calories. I feel manipulated, everything, everywhere it's a roller coaster of advertising, an industry of it's own the millions that must be spent to create this "happy pill" for I strongly believe its a drug, I can honestly say I have tried and failed so many times even quitting smoking was easier... how can this be?. It makes me so angry, feeling so powerless.

Remembering that this is a lifestyle not a diet is key but so easy to forget when all you want is that piece of cake.... I don't know about anyone but I find myself thinking about what to eat, what I will eat next even as I'm sitting down eating... some day's it's probably all I think about! Obsessed?? Maybe.. it seems to be the only topic I'm really interested in ....... what should I do? How can I end this vicious cycle? How can I be so strong yet so weak at the same time??!!! My all or nothing attitude when it comes to actually working out has always been temperamental always quit when I'm comfortable with my weight... but when I'm serious there's always issues with over training (since I can't seem to get a handle on the diet... ) have made me take time off and then I just quit... but slowly I will tame this beast! build a foundation, one day at a time but being honest about my own hypocrisy and my double standards has helped to open my eyes to take responsibility for my actions . The frustration I feel when it comes to my weight is not weight weight I'm so worried about its fat. My health issues are mainly caused by my eating habits and not even incapacitating migraines or the threat of them seem to encourage me to keep it up for good. Will try again tomorrow.......
Shaz