Friday, November 16, 2012
Today I really want to recommit to this journey. I have been sick so i have not been exercising. Today I did my bike ride and my walk. My walk was a bit short because my boys missed the bus. I however perceived and found my walking partner and walked part of the walk with her. Then walked back to my car. I only walked 40 minutes instead of the 60 I normally do.
When I was thinking about this as I drove back to my house. I was thinking about how good it felt to have walked, knowing I would have some energy to do my chores and how happy I am to be feeling better. THEN the negative voice came into my head. I started thinking about how I did not do the last 20 minutes of my walk. How I should do that. Belittling myself for not doing the extra 20 minutes where just seconds before I was thinking that 40 minutes was an excellent start back after being sick. I feel like a crazy person.
Last night my son had a concert. Music is big in my house. I am a band and choir mom. We live in a small town with a small school. Last night there were 4 groups preforming and my son was in all of them. He is confident and talented. Some one told me that if I taught my kids to be confident it must be inside me too.
Which brings me to my point. Some of the ways that I was parented I did not want to repeat. I made clear choices about how I wanted to be and acted accordingly. So the thought now is can i really treat myself how I would treat a friend. Can I really say to myself that 40 minutes was an excellent first walk. I can remind myself that if I want to later in the day I can pick up the extra 20 minutes or I can just be satisfied.
I kind of wonder how much of my weight problem is from the things that I think I should do or the things I think I might miss if I ...continue on this path to self improvement. Then there is the other part that is quick to remind me of the things that I am missing already.
I am contemplating if it is somehow possible to just leave all the baggage and chatter and just be. Be on this journey. Be happy with where I am and where I am going. Be mindful of my chocies. Be kind to myself even when I am being firm with my own expectations of myself.
Letting the chatter go...I am imagining it just going away. I would not talk to someone else that way. I would be kind even if for some reason I said hey you really wanted to do that other 20 minutes. I can see where it is just a fact not good or bad.
I want to learn to be kinder to myself and leave the baggage behind..