Thursday, November 15, 2012
I have always heard the term "raw emotion" and might have experienced it before or thought that i did but not like now. Now I feel as if all the layers protecting me and my feelings have been stripped away leaving my emotions totally exposed and unprotected. The least little thing triggers u8ncontrollable tears sometimes with what I used to call, jolingly, the screaming memies. No more.
Screaming memies are no joke! They are the wailing and primitive cries from deep within ones heart caused by unfathomed emotional pain. They are different from a temper tantrum. They are a holy, yet unholy, expression of the greatest sorrow one has ever experienced. They can be brought on by a simple "hello, how are you" when a friend calls, by a mistake made by social security, by a friend who hugs me just a few seconds too long (and that can change by the minute), by a grandchild saying, "I love you", by the traffic light turning red as I approache, or anything else.
Sometimes what triggers the "sreaming Memies" seems to others as insignificant and other times others see the enormity of what brought n the attack. There often seems to be no rhyme or reason but there is.
You see, when one loses the love of ones life, the person who was so special and so loved that one chanced her mother's wrath and possible disownement 50 years ago there is great reason to experience the raw, exposed, unbearable crying and wailing for there is no other way to express the deep. excrutiating pain of the loss of ones husband, best friend, father of one's children, lover, and playmate, true soulmate.
I say true soul mate because the first time I saw Ed was on a train. I had no idea where he was from but knew he was headed to Norfolk, Va because of his uniform. I knew the moment that I saw him that we would marry. When I returned home from college that summer Ed had finished his active duty, had returned to our home town, and met my cousin who introduced us. We married 18months later against my mother's will.
He was my souldmate and now he is gone! I cry, and scream, and wail for there is no other way to express my terrible sadness and lonliness, no other way....