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    RAZRBKMOM   2,157
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missing...

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Never in my lifetime did I imagine I would lose so much in such a short amount of time. I lost my husband, father, best friend, a child that I had been around as much as his own parents, a job all in just a few short months of each other...in some cases only weeks and days....

Out of all that I lost, I miss my dad the most. Then Cheryl, then Justin...somehow I don't miss the ex... I can't help but believe that Dad, Cheryl and Justin would be so proud of the changes I am making. It isn't easy. After several days of just liquid, I am wanting food, but can hear all 3 of them....what doesn't kill ya will make ya stronger....for 2 of them they always said it.

The holidays are coming up....I HATE the holidays....I used to love them, but now not so much. As a single mom, it is tough to scrape up enough to get the teens what they want...the grandkids are getting older and I can't make them happy with just colors and coloring books any longer...I am missing the good ol days when I could buy for everyone and everyone got exactly what they wanted. I am missing the days that we all got together and had days of fun. We would play games, eat, play more games, watch a movie, eat, sneak off to put Santa together, come back go drive around and look at all the lights, end up at the house putting out reindeer food at Christmas... Now it is missing. The kids are too grown to want to play games, and they aren't all there anyways...they are pulled in so many directions. I try not to demand my time, I know they have inlaws and their dad, so if they want to stop by, I am there, but if not...I miss the illusion of Santa. I miss the shopping, I miss the anticapation, I miss the times we had... Now with that being said, I don't miss the ex, I do miss the extra money he provided, I do miss us being a family, but I know I can have my time w/the kids, but it is just different....something is missing....maybe what is missing is that they are grown now. They have families of their own, kids of their own...my youngest is 16 & thinks he is grown....thinks I can magically make a truck appear for Christmas....gonna disappoint him big this year!! He will be lucky to get much at all...I will have surgery on the 29th and my boss told me yesterday she isn't going to pay me while I am off...even tho I am eligable for extended sick...I guess I should just be grateful for a job in this economy. And my town and state is going down quick....

I miss the papermill that used to be here, I miss the people that left with it. I miss the defense plants that have closed and the people they took with them, I miss my kids being little, I miss my Dad, I miss Justin & today I miss Cheryl, it is her birthday....I really do miss them...I know each is with me in some sort of way, but today it seems like each of them are far, far away....
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KAKONOLADY 11/16/2012 2:45PM

    emoticon emoticon I love that you are talking yourself through this terrible time...I wish I could do that when I am feeling the lowest but I never can!! You have amazing strength and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers..The holidays are the hardest when it comes to thinging about the loved ones you have lost!!! emoticon emoticon Crystal

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RAZRBKMOM 11/16/2012 12:09PM

    Once again, I am lifted up by SP friends, I wish you each could know what it means!! More than I can say.... emoticon to each of you!!!!!!

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CASE4GRACE 11/15/2012 9:30PM

    Wow, you are really suffered a tremendous amount of loss, and in such a short period of time and then dealing with your own health issues on top it it. I am not quite sure how you are holding yourself together. You must have remarkable inner strength or a sense of faith that carries you through the dark times. I know your heart is heavy with grief. It's good that you are pouring it out and not stuffing it inside. I wish there was something I could say to take away the pain or make it better, but I know really there isn't. Just know that I care.
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LYNNA1968 11/15/2012 7:56PM

    I am so sorry for all your loses.
Last year (and looks like this year also) my kids, sis, her kids & my parents will not be exchanging (well I'm getting something small for each). Instead I'm cooking & some f them are coming over & we will fight, argue, eat & do it again @ xmas lol.
maybe you can volunteer for something in your community. I hope better days are ahead for you

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SUGARSMOM2 11/15/2012 5:39PM

  jobs land company are leaving this area also . I dont think people who have work and jobs do not understand what you are going through . I do the local mill shut down and it was three years before they opened back up . this month they announced they are again shutting down and will not reopen . jobs to go overseas . Cheaper to product over there . it seems when one bad thing hits then so many other things seem to follow . I do not know what we are going to do . but lets hope it all works out . the gifts for the children and grandchildren are special . you need to explain to them and hope they understand that you do not love them any less but gifts do not spell love . they have you and you will love them as long as you live . try to find friends . get out of the house and enjoy time doing free things . I wish we lived closer . then we could find things to do together .

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NOMORENOMORE 11/15/2012 5:35PM

    You've been through an awful lot. THis has got to be a difficult time of year for you.

I suffer from depression. Years of therapy emoticon has taught me to try not to focus on things we can't change. Instead direct your energy on the things you can change. Difficult to do when you're depressed. Maybe you think more about what you can change?

Sending you a big warm emoticon

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