well, it's been about six days since my last "confession,"
so i'm long overdue with my blogging.
i went to my doctor's appointment last friday. i actually had to cut the visit short because it was going to take longer than i anticipated. i needed to pick my daughter up from work. i tried calling my mother to ask her to do it, but she wasn't answering her phone. just as well. i was stressed in the doctor's office. i had all of these forms to complete and none of them seemed to pertain to my medical history. it was all about eligibility forms for coverage and it wanted me to include my SS number, which i don't remember having to do when i visit doctors. now i know i'm on GR, but even when i was on Medi-Cal years ago with my daughter, there was some form i filled out that pertained to my medical history even if i had my records sent over by my previous doctor. so i was uneasy about that. then before i had a chance to make sense out of all of the paperwork, they called me in to take my vitals. so the scale read (which she really didn't let SETTLE) 219.4. it wasn't a shocker. it was the middle of the day and i have been using weights during exercising. but still, not numbers you want to see staring back at you. but the REAL wake-up call was my BP. the woman took my temp and took my BP which was EXTREMELY TIGHT. i didn't trust her. she then said, "oh, we'll take it again." then i had to ask her, "well, it is high?" she said, "yes," but said she'd take it again because usually the patient needs to calm down and not talk and be comfortable and blah blah blah. that didn't fly with me. i'm not a professional but my BP has consistently been GREAT - no matter where i am on the scale. it's been over the last few years i've noticed the numbers have been bouncing upward and i know it's age, weight, and stress. so it's expected kinda sorta. but i DON'T expect a nurse to give me excuses. tell it to me straight and tell me i need to do something about it or I'LL DIE. i know that sounds crude, but these facilities don't really tackle these issues head on. they'll medicate, but to really discuss the dangers of obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. in a manner of PREVENTION is not typical. i hate being on this. i'd rather pay for honesty and CURES, not band-aids.
so i wrote down the numbers. my BP has always been 110/70. on friday, it was 156/97. so either their machines are off or i have a lot of stress and fat that i need to release. so i'll deal with the weight, which will help reduce my stress. i say that because i stress behind my weight. it bothers me. i can't embrace it. i'm TIRED OF LUGGING IT AROUND. i don't feel attractive, it takes me a long time to find something decent to wear to feel attractive enough to go outside, and i have to wash a lot because i'm only down to a few items. i mean, i can put myself together, but it takes me LONGER, and that ain't cool with me. so being upset cause me stress. stress raises the BP. along with school, money, not having my own place and car PLUS the added pressure of being OVER 40 all raise the stress levels. so i'm fighting against time to reclaim my body, my health, and my sexy factor. it may sound funny, but my sexy factor means a lot to me.
so i've been participating in an online work-out challenge, which has been going pretty well. it hasn't been every day. i haven't been tracking my food or exercise like i used to either. i don't know why that is. however, i will fight. and that's the important thing. i don't like the BP numbers and i want to find another doctor. this county healthcare is advantageous for those without medical coverage, but i have to go with my feeling. i can't keep going to a doctor who is only available a few days out of a month and leaves me to see his PA. i've been there, done that, and i hate it. so i see i will have to pay for my visits until i can afford healthcare for myself. my father said spare no expense when it comes to your health. i postponed my appointment to next Tuesday. i think i'll cancel and go to my parent's doctor and pay for it. there are some things i want to discuss with him. maybe i can ask for a referral. but i just can't do this cattle system in the doctor's office.
anyway, i am happy i was able to get my vitals. so i know where i am and what i need to do. and the first thing is i have to get honest about it. i have to let everyone know that it's important that i lose weight. i have to tell my daughter, my mother, my sister, my friends - EVERYONE. i have to let them know that my health is important and i need their support. i don't want them to police my food but be aware that i'm on this journey and if they want to work out with me, please do. if they want to share some recipes, please do. if they know of any support groups, please share. that's what i'll have to do. i'll also have to let them know that i'm an emotional eater, and i may have to see someone behind it, but i have to get honest. i can't keep this to myself. it's killing me - LITERALLY. and i have a lot to live for and a lot to look forward to. this won't be easy, but i do need their support in that we can't ignore the fat elephant in the room. when you see me gaining weight, know that something is going on there. don't be afraid to ask. i need that. let's stop sweeping things under the rug.
but even before that, i have to get honest with myself about it. i have to get honest that my relationship with food can be unhealthy at times. it can be very permissive or very restrictive. there is no normalcy and i don't know what is normal anymore. so i'll go through these extremes of wanting everything to be organic, natural, sugar-free, wheat-free, additives-free, etc. to pigging out on krispie kreme doughnuts and a huge family sized bag of ruffles. food is always around me. i have to have a bag of something nearby as a pacifier. i use it as a reward, a comfort, even a sleeping aid. i won't say it's sick, but i do know that this is how my relationship with food has been. it's all i've ever known. i could blame my mother, but why? she's no longer feeding me now. i have to let it go and ask for her support. maybe together we can both adopt better eating habits and learn about healthier food choices. she's not fat and doesn't struggle with weight, but she does snack and i get that from her. LOL i want my entire family to be healthy but i don't want to be so extreme that i fall off and then hide (as another Sparker stated) because i failed because my own expectations were too high. i'm beating this fictional clock but the years keep passing me by anyway and the weight has increased over the past four years, not DECREASED. so what am i doing?
i'm not taking an active role in releasing this weight. i have to accept responsibility for this. i put this weight on. i ate. i stuffed myself. i made wrong choices. i use food to procrastinate and pacify. i have unresolved issues and instead of finding healthier outlets to deal with them or process them, i eat and stress. then the issues show up under my chin, under my arms, around my waist, and this gut i've got is so embarrassing. it's worse on someone over 40.
so i need to find a support group or counselor real quick. i need help.