Advertisement -- Learn more about ads on this site.

    SLIMMERJESSE   362,594
Greater than 350,000 SparkPoints

For My Departed Baby's B'day-Prologue to my Book

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I heard his first little cries from across the hallway, but when they saw my unexpected wakefulness from anesthesia, they quickly shut the doors. The glimpse I caught was of medical people surrounding my baby. I knew by his cries that he was of my flesh and blood. A mother knows these things.

I didn’t know why they didn’t want me to see him, but when my OB/GYN turned around to see me awake and inquisitive, his surprised look soon turned to a troubled one.
“Oh, I heard my baby’s first cries,” I said excitedly. I was already treasuring him after nine months of loving him in my womb. “What did I have?”

He looked somber. “You had a boy, but there’s a little problem.”

Undeterred and unconcerned, I was young, undaunted by difficulty. And as those with their lives ahead of them often feel, nothing was unfixable.

“Okay, well, we’ll help him, right?” I brightly offered, despite a bit of haziness remaining from the drug that mitigated the pain of childbirth.

Two days later, my son – Kevin James – died. Without having been allowed to see him, hold him, or say goodbye, my sorrow was unfathomable. Little did I know at that moment of his death just how absurd my life would be over my lifetime. I did not have the luxury of a crystal ball to look ahead, as I now have to look back.

A long, bumpy, crazy ride over decades of agony and ecstasy that one dares not try to make sense of, I figured that maybe writing about it would be cathartic. Maybe not. I think it dawned on me at the point when I lost Kevin – at the tender age of 18 – that my life would always be too cold for cacti.


Member Comments About This Blog Post:
2WHEELEDSHARON 11/18/2012 11:48AM

    Many hugs Jesse.

Report Inappropriate Comment
IAM_HIS2 11/17/2012 10:20AM

    Jesse: What deep, deep sorrow you have the courage to express and share. What love, pain, sorrow your choice of words bring out from your heart. I know Jesse that this blog will touch others and I sincerely hope someone who needs healing, as well as you.

Please keep writing about this--I know your true friends want to share this with you the best we can. It is an honor to be able to hold you in our hearts and offer prayers and words of comfort to you. You see, many of us love you as a friend and want to be there for you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
WALLAHALLA 11/16/2012 10:07PM

    I want to know more...more...more...

Report Inappropriate Comment
DDHEART 11/16/2012 5:39PM

    emoticon Intrigued, saddened, wondering as others are if this is based in fact....if it is my heart aches...if it isn' are very very good at hooking a reader!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MORTICIAADDAMS 11/16/2012 10:37AM

    I am wondering if this is actually your own experience as well. It is very sad.

Report Inappropriate Comment
CARA_FIT37 11/16/2012 10:09AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
RYDERB 11/16/2012 10:01AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
TIGGERJEAN 11/16/2012 8:39AM

    I'm torn between sorrow for your loss and admiration for your powerful writing style. I do hope that there is more to the story - you have me hooked.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SIMPLELIFE4REAL 11/16/2012 7:37AM

    I'm kind of at a loss for words right are so right that our lives take lots of unexpected twists and turns. You write beautifully. It's amazing how writing can be so healing.

Thank you for sharing such a painful, life-changing part of your life with us. It reminds me of how we all have such complicated lives.

Report Inappropriate Comment
FANGFACEKITTY 11/16/2012 6:59AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

Report Inappropriate Comment
NANCY- 11/16/2012 5:32AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
CHRIS3874 11/15/2012 8:57PM


Report Inappropriate Comment
JLITT62 11/15/2012 8:01PM

    I'm with NATPLUMMER, hoping it's a novel. Otherwise big, big hugs.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BARBIE176 11/15/2012 7:30PM

    What a heart breaking story. I am sorry for your loss and I can't imagine having a baby live for two days and not being able to even to see or hold him. Surely seems rather cruel. The death of a child definitely gives us a long road ahead of us. My son died when he was 15, and that was nearly 20 years ago. I am still walking the long road as I am sure you are. Praying you find comfort and peace from writing. As you know, they may be gone, but they will always live in our hearts. emoticon and prayers my friend.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MARY1313 11/15/2012 6:59PM

    oh I can't imagine how much it hurt you not to get to hold him and kiss him. I'm so sorry that happened.



Report Inappropriate Comment
ALEXSGIRL1 11/15/2012 6:44PM

    I am so very sorry for your loss I hope the writting makes you feel a little better emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NATPLUMMER 11/15/2012 4:10PM

    A novel?

Report Inappropriate Comment

Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

Log in to post a comment.

Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.