Thursday, November 15, 2012
Mom got me an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. I've been having stomach and back problems which I'm assuming is from stress. She also wants me to talk to the doctor about my depression. I really don't want to go on medication for that. If the plan goes accordingly, I should be getting my permit Saturday and I'm going to give myself a week of driving before going to get my license. I have been applying for jobs for a week and a few days and not one call! It's stressing. I want to try my luck in Las Vegas and try to get over this whole ordeal with Shawn. It wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't still in love with him, if I still didn't want to be with him. But life is what it is and I need to try to move forward. I still hold on to the hope that we can work things out and be together but right now I need to get away and work on myself. I know all this, it's just difficult. Once I get to Las Vegas, I'm still not sure if I'll be happier and I don't know if I'll get over Shawn quicker. I don't know if I'll find a boyfriend there but it's worth a shot. It's Vegas, and like life, it's a gamble. I need to learn to be independant and take chances. I want to be more out-going and maybe in the process I'll learn just what I want in my life. There's always possibilties. There is a possibility that Shawn and I will get back together just like there's a possibility of me finding someone new and moving on completely and just being good friends. It's never too late to try again but at the same time maybe there is such a thing as too soon. So I'm hoping that Vegas, with all it's possibilites, will give us some clearity on our relationship. Maybe we are meant to be together maybe we aren't. But I know I shouldn't just wait around and let my heart be broken. Of course I'm sad and I'm depressed and even a lot stressed, and I am hoping that Vegas will be just what I need. Maybe I can get a job there and a decent house, who knows, like I've said, it's a gamble like most of life is. I've comapared myself to Forrest Gump, because I feel like his relationship with Jenny is like Shawn and mines relationship right now. But one thing I do need to learn from Forrest is to not put my life on hold. It's okay to wish, but it's not okay to stand still and do nothing. I love Shawn and I also need to let him go and just be his friend. I need to be okay.