Mostly nothing and feeling down. Having a harder time this week picking myself back up. I actually just hung up on my mom because she was just making me feel worse.
Sunday evening J and I had dinner at his neighbors' house which was nice. They wanted to welcome me home and let me know they were glad I was not deploying. That was nice of them. We also played a card game which was pretty fun. However, Monday was rough for me. I didnt sleep much because my thumb was hurting a lot when we went to sleep, so I ended up waking up way earlier than I wanted. J made me a delicious breakfast and we just hung out at his house for a while. He was going in to the office around 10, so I figured I would just go home and work on another craft project. But I ended up having a little melt down. I just feel so lonely
and I couldnt stop crying. I felt ridiculous, but I just couldnt hold it in anymore. It's not his fault. He has to work. I am so used to us spending all of our free time together, so now that I still have lots of free time and he doesnt, I dont know what to do with myself bc I dont have friends around here. I am trying to remedy this - I am going to a meetup on Saturday and I am determined to enjoy myself.
It just doesnt help that I am miserable at my job. Honestly, I thought things would be better, and granted my boss doesnt hate me and I dont hate him. But the work is just not what I want to be doing. I am doing the same work I did during the first year of my career, and yet I am coming up on 4 years soon. I shouldnt be doing such mindless work anymore. And I think the fact that I apparently will continue to do this for another year is not helping. I thought I was ok with it after going through the pros and cons of staying that I did last week, but apparently I am just getting more and more annoyed about it. I gave in today and emailed the assignments people. If I dont hear from them tomorrow, I will probably also give them a call. No, I dont really want to leave Colorado, but I really question whether my sanity can take ANOTHER year of being miserable at my job.
Sometimes I dont even know if I want to even be in the military any longer. I feel like my career is not going to take the track that I wanted it too, and I am not sure if I will ever be happy again at my job. Mostly, I dont even know if I even want to keep being a lawyer. I have pretty much always said that if I could leave the Air Force and do anything, I would go back to school and get my Master's in English (which I frequently think is what I should have done instead of going to law school in the first place). I can afford to go back to school because of the GI bill, but I wouldnt have any money to pay bills or survive.
Maybe I will be happy with a different assignment. I dont know. Like I said, I just feel lost most of the time. I dont feel passionate about my job like I used to...
I've been slacking on my workouts.
My last workout was on Sunday - I did a deck of cards workout. It took about 15 minutes, but my HRM said I burned 13 calories and it was no joke - my legs were sore for two days afterwards because of the squats and lunges! I meant to go to the gym yesterday and run on the treadmill. It was cold and dark after work, and I had to put air in my tires and so I didnt go to the gym. Today, I was going to go to the gym and run on the treadmill, but it was cold and dark and I was feeling down so I just went home. Seriously, those are awesome reasons just not to workout. Right about now I wish I had a treadmill in my home. That way I wouldnt have to put on workout clothes elsewhere, and then walk through the parking lot afterwards and drive home. Yup, I am full of excuses this week. But tomorrow morning is office PT so I will have to get in a workout - running will occur! And I will get back on track with my 5k training for my upcoming 5k race.
I have an update on my thumb too. Yesterday I went to the clinic on my base to at least get a copy of my MRI results since I cant get an orthopedic appointment for a month. They gave me a print out of the report, but I cant understand what it says. And no one would explain it to me. But they did give me an appointment to see my elusive PCM for this morning. Seriously, I've been in Colorado for like 15 months and I've never seen my PCM. But I did today! And he read my results for me! The result: likely partial tear of the ligament. But he doesnt think I'll need surgery because its only a partial tear. He said it will heal on its own, but will take a while. But he did refer me to occupational therapy! So hopefully I will be on the road to recovery soon.
My eating has been decent this week. I am not having huge calorie deficits like last week, but I am also not going over my calories by more than like 50 cals, which is great for me. Just need to get on top of these workouts. Does anyone else hate working out when it's cold? I wish I had a treadmill at home that I could use instead of having to go the gym!