So it has been a few weeks since I exited the denial phase. I've gained some serious weight and it is going to be serious work to lose it again. but it's soooo hard to just bite the bullet and jump back into the full swing of things I know was able to do a year ago. I guess that I'm not that person yet. I can't go run 5 miles right now. But i can walk 45 minutes at work. And I can't switch over to my old eatting habits all at once. But I can pack an apple and skip the vending machine chocolate at 3PM. AND i can start tracking my food, even if the results are not a on target as they used to be.

I've also started taking DHEA on my doctor's suggestion. This is a way to boost my overall mood and energy level without a percription. So far it has been OK. I think my energy level is a bit better. My mood has been pretty blah still. But I don't think a little pill twice a day is going to fix the issues I have with hubby's everlasting mess or my crappy job. Those will require a whole different brand of fixin'.

But let's not get too carried away. little changes.

Like making a beet, pear, and carrot smoothy/juice with those CSA beets that I just could eat for dinner anymore. That was good!

And getting up in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep to do Yoga instead of watching TV. That was AWESOME!

little steps. little changes. and building a better life.

I liked the results of my last attempt. but upon reflection it didn't stick because I don't think I really found a healthy balance.

Balance is so hard for me!!!

Last year I felt burnt out. Judged (by myself). Never happy with how far I had come and only concerned with how far I had left to go. AND forever worried about NEVER NEVER backsliding.

some other things that bugged me were how I let other people's comment make me feel weird about what I was doing. Some friends made it their job to spread tales about how I had such a restricted diet and couldn't eat the blah blah blah. And hosts at parties were worried about providing for me. it sucked. Mostly because it was not true. I always found something I could eat. I just was eating less. and i should have confronted those people. And that was the real problem. My lack of self worth. I didn't want to make a fuss. On either end. So I just sort of caved.

Other people commented on my many small meals a day. Or the size of the meals. or what I was eatting. And it was really not their business. but I let them in my heart and it bugged me enough that I got pushed off track to fit back into the standard meal profile.

Ahhhh. it feels good to get those things out. I'm feeling in a better place this year when it comes to doing things my way and sticking to it.

I'm going to have to work more on not putting myself down or pressuring myself. I need to work more on what my long term goals are and how to define them.

this next week I'm going to stay focused on trying a few more smoothies. And getting in 3 exercise sessions of any kind. Could be a long walk with the dogs, 30 mins on elliptical, or a yoga tape. I know I'll feel better and start to remember what is good about exercise, not jus the outcome of burning calories for calories sake.