Wednesday, November 14, 2012
October 30th I turned 40 years old. A year ago I was very excited because I had lost almost 75 pounds. Life was thrown into chaos mode and for the last 8 months I've slowly put weight back on. Granted I haven't gained the full amount back but it's enough that I am no longer comfortable in my clothes and my jeans are tight again. I had gotten below the "need to lose 100+ pounds" mark and only had about 60 more to go. Now my self esteem is in the toilet, I have zero motivation, and I'm just not in a good place. I now have 3 roommates who are candy and junk food fends and don't get it that I don't live like that. I can't live like that even if I wanted do.
I'm a vegetarian. Before anyone gives me crap for that I want to be clear that I am not a vegetarian by choice. My body doesn't process flesh the way it should and I have an allergic reaction to it. It's not the protein or enzymes either, they really don't have an explanation for it to be honest. I've really loved the vegetarian way of life though. When I lived alone it was easy peasy lemon squeezy to eat right because no one else was there to muck it all up or complain about my food. Not that they do, because they don't, but I'm self conscious about it and feel horrible because I don't want to impose. It's an internal battle that I don't know how to win.
For me, exercise MUST be an indoor activity. I lost my car in April (divorce sucks) so I can't get to the gym even if I had the motivation and initiative to go. I have no exercise stuff at home and can't, at this moment, afford any. I have DVDs but there is no way I can work out in front of people because I've been laughed at so many times that I just can't make myself do it. I can't walk outdoors because I'm literally allergic to the area where I live. I live in Austin Texas and it's considered the allergy capitol of the country. I have to prepare to go outside just to go to the market or a movie by taking allergy shots and benedryl. I'm entering one of the worst seasons too due to "Cedar" Fever. The summers here are brutal and the heat is prohibitive for folks like me who prefer the freezing cold. I know these sound like controllable excuses. But they aren't. They are facts that I can't change. I can't change the weather. I can't change my body to not be allergic to the outdoors or become accustom to 100 degree heat. I've tried everything that everyone, including doctors and health nuts, have suggested for years and it just isn't going to happen. And I can't afford to move away from here to a climate that is healthy for me. There are a lot of 'can'ts' in there too but they aren't changeable things either.
Lack of motivation
In December of 2011 my world started to fall apart. Have you ever watch one of those movies where the wife discovers that the person she's married too isn't the person she thought she was married too? Yeah, that stuff is real! I know first hand. After 10 years I found out that my whole marriage had been filled with one lie after another, information that was kept from me constantly, so many lies and things going on behind my back. At first I wanted to work it out. But by May I knew I couldn't do it. I knew I had to let go and get out before it got even worse and I literally lost my life. I was honestly suicidal. Scared the hell out of me. So I had to get out. I lost everything because I had no choice but to leave it all behind. No home, no car, no insurance, and no idea what to do. I didn't even have a plate to eat off of anymore. All I could think was "Thank God my daughter is grown!". I got into my new place with more hurt than I knew what to do with. And that hurt keeps lingering. Then the self esteem issues really kicked in. I started thinking "What's wrong with me that I couldn't keep him happy?". Than BAM a major medical diagnosis that I still don't know how to handle and I still have huge bouts of denial about. I've been told that I shouldn't exercise at all now. I have something called Chiari Malformation. It means my brain is literally sliding out of the base of my skull. Once I get back on insurance (hopefully next month) I'm facing brain surgery. I hurt every single day but I can function most days just fine. I've just gotten used to it because I've always felt this way. I can't remember a day in the past 4 years that I haven't had a headache and it's taken them forever to figure out what's wrong with me. So there's more reason to be self conscious. All I keep hearing in my head is "Who's gonna want you? You're sick. You have early diabetes that you can't control right now. You have a brain issue that is going to cause a huge scar up the back of your neck and head and your memory is going. You aren't good for yourself much less anyone else". I'll have days when I feel really fired up and full of motivation and energy. Then BOOM the next day it's all gone and all the negative crap creeps back in.
When I was on SP the last time it was great. Now... not so much. I used to be able to rely on this site for great healthy recipes and now it directs me to a Family Circle site that requires me to register before I can view the recipes. If I wanted to be a member of the Family Circle site don't you think I'd do it on my own SP??? Really??? It's not as use friendly as it used to be either. Most of it I can learn and figure out easily enough. But being directed to other sites as if SP is nothing more than one more hub is not what I am looking for. And all the crap along the bottom of the page and all the ads... ugh. I loved SP and have encouraged so many people to join. But now, well, it's not helpful or motivational anymore. It's gotten as bad as Facebook. I don't plan on leaving and I hope I'm just running into problems because ..well.. I don't know why but it is what it is. I'm frustrated though.
Basically, I just don't know what to do anymore.