Wednesday, November 14, 2012
How to start...
My period hasn't come in 8 weeks and yet I'm not pregnant. I'm 28, in a non-secure job and single so thankfully am not pregnant I guess. I've never had my period not coming before and it scares me. Once I realised my period was so late I even totally convinced myself that somehow I may be carrying despite not being in a relationship for several months (apparently some people who are pregnant can still have 'periods' and even end up in labour before they realised but obviously it's very RARE!). I was scared, freaking out but in a way part happy - who knew I wanted children?! I have had moments of broodiness in the last few years but have never seriously considered it! Two pregnancy tests and a dr's visit later, I know this to not be true.
I have gone from thinking I may be thinking that I may be having a baby sometime soon to worrying that I may not be having babies (conceived naturally) ever! What if my period never comes back? And why has it gone! I have read about people who get their menopause in the twenties! To think this may happen to me and with no warning is surreal. I went to the dr on Monday and she suggested it may be a thyroid issue and it could explain the other symptoms I've had of late. For the last several weeks I have felt stressed as normal but particularly feeling down. Having had depression several times before I was (and still am) worried that it may be returning. I have trouble getting to sleep and not waking in the night (sometimes from worry, others times due to hunger even when I have a late night snack like oats and casein protein, which is meant to release slowly to keep you fuller for longer. I know that if I am hungry, I just simply can't sleep! I will lie there with my eyes closed until I eat some food).
My eating habits have gone haywire. I was hungry all the time and often felt insatiable. Now I eat out of habit (5 / 6 smallish healthy meals a day by basically eating clean). And yet I can't sense when I am hungry, which is very unusual for me. When I do eat I don't get the usual satisfaction of eating food and being satied. I have found that sometimes this as led me to overeating but weirdly I never feel full in a way but will feel uncomfortable in my stomach as if I have eaten too much. It's weird because I don't feel that I am hungry but physically I only know it later on.
I'm tired all the time. I find it difficult to get thought the day of working as a teaching assistant with small children. I stopped exercising for a week or two but am trying now to do some activity as my dr suggested. Last weekend was my dad's birthday and unusually I was very emotional and cried every day. I worry about what do with my life, what career I should aim for and start working towards and feel stuck in life, and just ended up crying a lot to mum. I've had a few suicidal thoughts but doubt I will act on them.
I don't know if the possible physical medical issue of having an underactive thyroid is causing my depression or if they are separate. And what happens if the blood test comes back saying my thyroid levels are normal? I have no idea what could cause the last of period? It could range from stress to possible menopause or tumour.
I don't mean to moan about my issues but I need to mention is somewhere. I'm trying to relax and not worry too much but with my period not coming it's very hard! I feel like something is not right with me or functioning properly - my body and in my brain. I'll get the results of the blood test in a day or two and will see the dr next Monday. In some ways I hope they do find a problem with my thyroid so at least I can take a tab that may make me feel better and bring my period back and my mental state to normality even though the idea of taking a pill every day for my life would not be great.
I'm hoping I can