Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Unfortunately I'm having another urge. Yesterday I ended up bingeing, but it wasn't a full-out one where I totally gave up...so it was kind of between overeating and a full binge. Still disappointed in myself, but on the other hand, it could have been worse.
I'm trying to distract myself until this current urge passes by blogging here. My intake today was a pretty normal non-binge day intake for me. So, despite feeling extreme discomfort over just eating when I wasn't even hungry (I know I'm stressed about my meeting with my advisor tomorrow, as I did not get enough done), I should actually be ok. Bingeing is just going to make it worse.
Ok trying to reflect on good things...
+ I'm fighting this urge instead of giving up, and am going to do a behavior chain while I try to let it pass: (1) Talked with Mom on phone about plans for the December race (which we would be travelling for) and she expressed concern about my injury. She suggested that I consider cancelling the trip and not doing the race. (2) Whether or not it was true, I heard her tone of voice and interpreted this as her disapproval if I wanted to still go to the race to do what I could; I noticed I got defensive and a bit curt with her because I don't want to entertain the thought of cancelling the trip. (3) I was flustered and started looking up on the internet about how much fitness you lose from taking x amount of days off running, tapering time for races, etc. to see if I had any hope. (4) I started realizing that I was wasting time, because I had initially planned to work on my research until bedtime. Suddenly I had a stress spike about my meeting with my advisor (and possibly the other prof) tomorrow morning. There will be no time to try and do any more before the meeting tomorrow. (5) I started eating out of anxiety. (6) I started getting more stressed because this is exactly the behavior which will not make me lose weight, and not give my feet, joints, etc. a better chance. Feeling like I had already messed up no matter what, that I had already overeaten, etc. made me then feel like giving up completely because I'm already over what I'd need to be eating in order to lose weight. (7) I had more despairing thoughts that if I binged, I'd waste time and definitely not get any research done tonight, and if I fought the urge, I'd also use up probably the same amount of time and not get any research done tonight. (8) Trying to convince myself to "do the next right thing" which is to fight the urge, and not binge, even though I know the latter gives me temporary, but instant relief from all these uncomfortable feelings.
+ Earlier today I reserved a spot at a spinning class for tomorrow morning. I did this ahead of time so I'd have something to force myself out of my apartment and defuse the mad stress I anticipate; last week the morning before the meeting I just kept hiding in bed, feeling terrified and panicky, every other second seriously considering e-mailing and saying I was sick and couldn't make it. Yeah, I have unreasonably ridiculous anxiety for things that are not that bad... it sucks. But, in "coping ahead" like I did by scheduling the spinning class, I'm at least trying to do something to help myself.
+ This morning I woke up stressed, and it was pretty bad, with big heart palpitations and everything. I took a chance and went to run with the group...and my foot did pretty well. It was beautiful and crisp, and there was frost on the plants. This made me feel TONS better, and killed that stress.
+ "You messed up yesterday and broke your streak, and then you overate pretty badly just now. There's no hope for progress any time soon". Positive: Ok, you messed up one day, and today you overate a lot, but it wasn't a binge. If you don't binge tonight, you can still put a sticker on your calendar for a "no binge" day, and it'd really look better to have one spot missing than two. You can get back on track. Don't be fooled by the black and white thinking.
+ I talked with someone I hadn't talked with before at yoga today. He showed up a few months ago, and since then has been pretty regular about practicing yoga since I see him almost every time I go, and today he introduced himself and we chatted for a while since our mats were next to each other. I'm grateful I've come so far in being more open, comfortable, and willing to connect with people.